You’ve Lost Your Mystery, Now What? Part II

In my last post we talked about being positive and looking at life with “the glass is half full” mindset.  Believe me this will go a long way in regaining your guys attention.  Not that you ever lost his attraction, maybe he’s just been looking for that sweet girl he married! 

Let’s be honest ladies.  None of us are that carefree girl we were when we snagged our handsome man and that’s natural and healthy.  The healthy part being, that we’ve matured (hopefully), but becoming uptight and just plain ol’ no fun however is not healthy for our marriage.  This leads me to my next point.

BE SPONTANIOUS!!!  Whether it’s in the bedroom or maybe it’s just dropping your mop and forgetting the house is a mess and running to Mc Donald’s for Hot Fudge Sundays with the family! This is the thing I struggle with the most. 

Since my husband is a psychology teacher he has little personality tests lying around.  While flying to California last week for a wedding, he pulled one out and asked me some questions.  Come to find out I have all but one of the traits for the personality disorder Obsessive Compulsive (OCD).  So as you can imagine, it’s really hard for me to just drop things and run.  Especially when it comes to my house!  I can’t handle a mess, and getting used to living with four very messy daughters has been quite a challenge for me.  I don’t always handle things the way I should  and that has caused some strife in our marriage.  My husband is not a messy, and leads more towards the OCD but he’s also laid back and is VERY good at just leaving it all and coming back to start again refreshed.  He’s been good for me!  I am a work in progress!

Being spontaneous in the bedroom is a little harder for me as it is for a lot of women.  When I have a million things on my mind, it’s hard to think sexy thoughts!  I used to get aggravated at Ben when he’d get in a bad mood when he hadn’t “gotten any” lately, it was a mystery to my why on earth he reacted that way.  To my shock and surprise in the past year or so I’ve found that Ben isn’t the only one who gets grouchy when they aren’t “getting any”!  I’ve paid attention and have learned that we are more likely to pick fights and get grouchy with each other when we aren’t having sex regularly. Go figure!!!   I’ve found that sex is vitally important to our marriage, so I’ve adjusted the way I think about it.  I make it a habit to put on sexy underwear, and about every two or three months I go online and buy myself a sexy nighty.  Sometimes I buy things that I like and sometimes it’s something Ben will like.  It’s amazing how spontaneous you can feel when you’re feeling sexy!

Marriage Advice From the Song of Solomon

After reading Linda Dillow’s amazing book, “What’s it like to be Married to Me?”  I was inspired to read through the Song of Solomon with a whole different mindset than I have had in the past.  I am reading through it this time as I would any other marriage book.  I used to read through the Song of Solomon quickly, almost blushing and the descriptions, and terminology!  Wow that book has a vernacular all it’s own!  With the help of esword, a few other sources and my wonderful husband, I am reading it through again with a new understanding.  

This time I am reading it with the intent of further enriching our marriage.  If ever there was a book with advice to husbands of wife about how great married sex should be… what an amazing manual!!!

I’m only just beginning to gather insight, but when I am finished I will share all that I’ve discovered in this truly beautiful love story!  There are so much wisdom hidden in the words of this wonderful book.   I have never in my life used a highlighter when reading this book, but I have also, never studied this book either!   As so many others, I have often wondered why this book was even in the Bible!  With the help of the Lord I hope to enlighten you! 

I cannot wait to share with you all that I am discovering!!!

SEX… It Isn’t a Dirty Word!

Week Three

Heb 13:4  “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled…”

The third and final thing I did on my road to sexual intimacy with my husband, was act on what I’d been reading and studying about sex.   If you are like me you just feel uncomfortable getting out of your comfort zone!  That was my biggest obstacle in my journey. ( I’m not suggesting  you do anything that feels wrong… Sodomy, for instance, is not only wrong, but it’s unhealthy and I don’t believe that it’s part of God design for sex.) What I am suggesting is that you try new things with your man!  A lot of men are dying to get out of the “sexual rut” they’re in!  For some men that’s their reason or one of the leading factors in entering into an affair.  I am not saying that if your husband has had an affair it is your fault because you’re not good in bed or something!  But we as wives have the power to make our bedroom his favorite place to be! 

What I’m getting at here is that we need to revive what we had when we were in the first few weeks or months of our marriage.  So many couples think that can’t be done.  I completely disagree!  No we aren’t able to do it whenever the “mood” strikes us anymore, but sometimes that’s half the fun right?  Getting the kids off to bed and then time for some “alone time” with your roommate…  FLIRT with him again!  My husband has told me on several occasions that he “loves it when you flirt with me!” 

I know you’re all thinking “so how do we spice it up?”  That’s the easy part!  I’m going to let you in on a little secret… I hadn’t bought any nighties for myself until… ok let’s just say we’d been married  for way to long for me to have not taken some time on updating my “arsenal” as I like to call it.  I happen to be a very big “penny pincher” and figured why invest in new nighties when I already had a whole drawer of perfectly nice ones?   Being the penny pincher that I am I did not throw out the old ones, they remind me of our beginning and I can’t throw that away.  I did however retire them!

Go through your drawer’s ladies… literally!  Throw away anything that’s not cute!  I started throwing away underwear left and right.  It meant a trip to my favorite department store for new underthings but the response I got was well worth it!   What’s funny is, Ben never once complained about my spending a little bit of money on the “arsenal”.  We’ve even joked before about selling the contents of my nighty/underwear drawer to pay off the mortgage!

Something else you HAVE to do is quit thinking of sex with your husband as something you HAVE to do,  to keep him happy!  God meant for us women to take pleasure in sex as much as our man does!  We just have to retrain our brain.  Sex isn’t a chore it’s something God gave us that is so special that He intended for us to spend our lifetime together perfecting the skill.  Yes, I said lifetime!  After all God’s intent for marriage was “till death do us part.” 

Never use this beautiful gift that God has given you and your husband as a “weapon” to teach him a lesson!
I Corinthians 7:4 “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”  Paul (who wasn’t even married mind you) is saying your body is your husbands and his is yours.  DON’T WITHHOLD it to make him pay!!!

Here’s another tip and then I will conclude.  I’ve found that a lot of the arguments we’ve had during our marriage was when we weren’t taking time for sex.  Yes, it does affect your mindset and your judgment.  You will be more likely to pick a fight with your spouse if you’ve been abstaining.  If you don’t believe it then why is it that after a wonderful “love making session” the world seems right again?   

If you think that sex is only good for the first couple of years and then you settle into a routine, think again!  It’s that routine that kills marriages.  Getting out of this routine is what will make your marriage great so get out of your rut and start spicing it up! 

Here’s a suggestion…  try “sexting”  (sending suggestive texts to him during the day) just be sure to double check who that text is going to!!!  LOL You do not want that kind of embarrassment! 

I hope these little lessons I’ve learned will help you in your “marriage journey”, may it be a beautiful and blessed one!

Books I recommend reading to enrich your marriage:  Created to be His Help Meet – Debbie Pearl ,  The 5 Love Languages (this is a great one to read together)–Gary Chapman and What’s it Like to be Married to Me-Linda Dillow.

Part 2 of "Sex! It Isn't a Dirty Word!"

Week 2

The second step I took was rather a big one.   I organized my days so that at bed time I wasn’t completely exhausted and even scheduled a nap if I was especially tired that day.

Let's face it, we all have time for the things we want to make time for.  If you're married then your marriage should be a priority, and making time for “love making” with your man is vitally important to the success of your marriage!


 Many times we put our time and energy into things that we feel are important to us, whether it be our hobby, entertaining or pouring ourselves into our children.  These things are important, but if you are married then your marriage should become your favorite and most important “hobby”.   Yes, you should do well in your marriage you should want to perfect it as best you can.  I’m not saying you have to be the perfect little wife who does everything right, but you should take as much pride in your marriage as you do with the other important areas of your life. 

Here’s one way to think of it.   They say “behind every great man is a great woman.”  Who’s standing behind those men who seem like failures?  Is it a wife who’s always second guessing him or who is never “in the mood” for sex? 

“Well, that’s just crazy!  Not getting regular sex can’t make a man a failure!”

I beg to differ with you…  depending on the man, sex can make all the difference in the performance of his day to day duties or even his lifelong goals.  If you have a man who is fine with once a week love making that’s fine, however if you have a man who has a stronger libido then “giving in” to him once a week will only hold him back!  It’s true! 

Here’s another secret… men hate it when you “give in”.  They don’t want their wife to give in and “have sex with them” they want us to be active, interested participators.  For the most part men want it to be “good for us” as too, but they’ll take it out of necessity if you just “give in”.  In I Corinthians 7:3 Paul says  “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.”  Did you ever wonder what “due benevolence” was?  It’s “good” sex!  Not just the “oh alright if you’re gonna whine about it” kind of sex, but the sex where you are both enjoying being with each other!  If you read thru the Bible especially the Song of Solomon, you see that God means for sex between you and your husband to be a wonderful experience! 

So, take the time to plan for sex like you would for anything else you really “want” to do!  It’ll be well worth it!  And when people see that awesome man of yours preforming well at work or at whatever he sets his mind to they’ll be thinking “I bet he has one amazing woman at home!”  And you know what?  They’ll be right!

SEX… It Isn’t a Dirty Word!

Heb 13:4 says,  “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled…”    For so many years this subject has gone unexamined, and many marriages have suffered because of it. 

Week 1

Before I was married, I knew a little about sex, but I was pretty sheltered!  I went into marriage a virgin and I do not regret my inexperience.  It was fun learning all about this wonderful relationship with the love of my life!  I do however wish I’d been given some pointers.   I knew that sex was reserved for marriage, but I did not realize how big and how important of a roll it takes in the union of a man and woman!  

My husband and I didn’t experience any issues with this area of our married relationship until about six years into it.  We had two children by then and I had started feeling the effects of “sleep deprivation” so that when it was bed time, all I wanted to do was fall into bed and do nothing but … sleep!  My husband tried to be understanding in the beginning but for some men going for 1 and 2 weeks sometimes more without any action… well, it’s like taking heroin from a druggy!  That is NOT an exaggeration!  You see, when two people are intimately involved your body releases a bonding agent called oxytocin and works sort of like a drug.  It’s what causes an abused woman to go back to her husband/boyfriend.  It’s sort of like a trust serum.   When you go for a period of time without physical touch it causes you to act sort of irrational.  It’s more present in men, but I do know of some women who are more sexually dominant than their husbands.  When they go without sex they become moody and sort of irrational.  For women,  it will cause mood swings, and bouts of crying!  My husband has spent the past three years teaching and studying oxytocin, I’m trying to get him to guest blog for me on this subject.  It’s quite an amazing study!

I’m going to go out on a limb her and say that most marriage issues start in the bedroom… So the next time your husband’s grouchy and short tempered?  Take it to the bedroom literally!  I know you’re thinking how?  I am so tired I can’t even think of anything else!  I know exactly where you’re coming from!  Something that opened my eyes to meeting my husband’s needs was reading “Created to be His Help Meet” by Debi Pearl,  the section in their about giving your husbands “good sex” convicted me!  It’s in Chapter 16.  It caused me to think about what kind of sex I’d been giving to my husband and I didn’t like what I saw.  Half the time I was reluctant and not really into it.  Poor guy!  He must have thought “wow, is this what it’s going to be like for the rest of our lives?” 

So how did I start “getting in “the mood?”  My first step was to pray about it!  Yes, I really did!  You see, once I realized that God cared about our sex life as a husband and wife, I decided that He wouldn’t mind if I talked to Him about it.  If you think I’m crazy read your Bible!  Song of Solomon is filled with sexy stories!  After reading Linda Dillow’s book “What’s It Like to be Married to Me?” I read quite a bit out of that particular book.  And I found out a lot about God’s idea of sex in a married relationship.  I mean we all agree that the Bible is God’s inspired word right?  If we believe that then we will try to work on our sexual relationship with our man.  If need be do your own study on the subject and see what you come up with!

That’s all I’m going to write for this week, but I will be posting more within the next couple of weeks.  There’s so much I’ve learned personally on this subject that I can’t fit it all into one blog.  So be checking back in the coming weeks for more on this amazing study!

If you’d like to read more on oxytocin check out this site, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin  it’s a great start.  And like I said, I’m going to try to convince my husband to be a guest blogger as soon as possible so be watching for that as well.