The Slow Fade

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray

Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

By Casting Crowns

I was thinking the other day about a couple who married a few months after Ben and I.  Their marriage ended two years ago and it still causes a twinge when I think about it.  My heart is heavy when I see them separate.  So many times we look at these lives and wonder when the change began, when did   it begin to fall apart?  When did they just get sick of working it out and decided to go their separate ways?  I don't think there's really an answer to that question.  There have been times in our own marriage when I was just sick of trying, sick of working things out and disgusted with the roller coaster that we seemed to be on!  The marriages that fall apart are no different than ours!  In every marriage there are obstacles to over come and challenges to be met.  

Ben & I

I've heard these lines so many times, "we're just going in different directions now..." or "we just fell out of love."  I can see what they mean when they say they're going in different directions, although, I don't think the marriage has to end because of that.  If you stick around you'll realize there's more common ground than you thought.  Ben and I have went through phases in our lives when I really did wonder how we were going to make it work, our goals just seemed so different.  So yes, you do change and grow up and you definitely are different than when you first married, but keep in mind, you married that man/woman for better or for worse.  The problem is when you give yourself an out then you're less likely to make the marriage last when the going gets tough.  I know that affairs are hard things to work through, but I have saw it done with my own eyes!!  They made it through!  You can do anything you set your mind to, whether it be running a marathon, skydiving and yes, even saving your marriage.  You've just gotta want it bad enough.  I've saw a marriage shaken from the affects of a husband who was addicted to porn survive.  I've saw a marriage survive when the husband was an alcoholic (now recovered).  In each of these situations they all had one thing in common, they wanted to work things out, and that's what it all comes down to.  

You can't fall out of love because love isn't a feeling or an emotion, it's a decision you make every day of your life!  I wake up every morning and decided to love Ben.  Now that doesn't mean that we have the perfect marriage, and we have some BAD days.  We've had weeks go by that we just couldn't seem to quit fighting!  We'd get over one argument and  work it out and an hour later we'd be disagreeing about something else!  It's emotionally taxing sometimes, but I'm glad that I know Ben is as dedicated to making our marriage work as I am.  You're marriage doesn't just have to work, it can become an amazing journey!  

So, as of today... I LOVE MY MARRIAGE!!! It's the best decision I've ever made, and that guy I married?  Yeah, he's turned into one amazing man.  He's been a wonderful friend, companion and lover!  Hopefully we have a lot of "good" days left!

You’ve Lost Your Mystery, Now What? Part II

In my last post we talked about being positive and looking at life with “the glass is half full” mindset.  Believe me this will go a long way in regaining your guys attention.  Not that you ever lost his attraction, maybe he’s just been looking for that sweet girl he married! 

Let’s be honest ladies.  None of us are that carefree girl we were when we snagged our handsome man and that’s natural and healthy.  The healthy part being, that we’ve matured (hopefully), but becoming uptight and just plain ol’ no fun however is not healthy for our marriage.  This leads me to my next point.

BE SPONTANIOUS!!!  Whether it’s in the bedroom or maybe it’s just dropping your mop and forgetting the house is a mess and running to Mc Donald’s for Hot Fudge Sundays with the family! This is the thing I struggle with the most. 

Since my husband is a psychology teacher he has little personality tests lying around.  While flying to California last week for a wedding, he pulled one out and asked me some questions.  Come to find out I have all but one of the traits for the personality disorder Obsessive Compulsive (OCD).  So as you can imagine, it’s really hard for me to just drop things and run.  Especially when it comes to my house!  I can’t handle a mess, and getting used to living with four very messy daughters has been quite a challenge for me.  I don’t always handle things the way I should  and that has caused some strife in our marriage.  My husband is not a messy, and leads more towards the OCD but he’s also laid back and is VERY good at just leaving it all and coming back to start again refreshed.  He’s been good for me!  I am a work in progress!

Being spontaneous in the bedroom is a little harder for me as it is for a lot of women.  When I have a million things on my mind, it’s hard to think sexy thoughts!  I used to get aggravated at Ben when he’d get in a bad mood when he hadn’t “gotten any” lately, it was a mystery to my why on earth he reacted that way.  To my shock and surprise in the past year or so I’ve found that Ben isn’t the only one who gets grouchy when they aren’t “getting any”!  I’ve paid attention and have learned that we are more likely to pick fights and get grouchy with each other when we aren’t having sex regularly. Go figure!!!   I’ve found that sex is vitally important to our marriage, so I’ve adjusted the way I think about it.  I make it a habit to put on sexy underwear, and about every two or three months I go online and buy myself a sexy nighty.  Sometimes I buy things that I like and sometimes it’s something Ben will like.  It’s amazing how spontaneous you can feel when you’re feeling sexy!

You’ve Lost Your Mystery, Now What?

If you’re anything like me,  (I think I’m a pretty average woman) at some point during your marriage you’ve started feeling like you’ve lost that special something that lured your man and made him fall desperately in love with you. 

Let’s face it, we’re no longer 19, we don’t feel 19 and once again if you’re like me you definitely don’t look 19 anymore!!!  I’ve managed to keep the weight off and I keep myself pretty active so that helps; but there’s the lose skin and stretch marks from four pregnancies, I quit tanning bed’s years ago due to health concerns…I’m tired most of the time and I just don’t feel exiting anymore!  We have a pretty good sex life and I still wear the sexy nighties (you’d be amazed at how much of a difference what you where to bed makes :-), but sometimes I wonder if my guy is still excited about me?  My stomach still does those little flip flops when he walks into the room, when he stops and puts his hand on the small of my back or when he wears blue jeans and a white t-shirt… talk about distracting!  I’ve always felt like I was the lucky one in our relationship!  If you’ve looked at my profile picture you’d know what I mean, my husband is one good looking guy!  How do I make sure that he’s still as excited about me as I am about having snagged him?

For this blog I talked to my best friend about her little antics, what she does to keep that mystery how she keeps her man coming back for more!   

My best friend (Married 8 years) said, “I pamper myself! I wear a color he likes me in, shave my legs… take my time fixing my hair.  Sometimes I think back to when we were dating and try to remember how I acted then that attracted him to me.”  There’s some great advice!  She also said that the one thing her husband hates is that “sometimes I don’t know how to relax and chill, have a good time!  He likes it when I’m positive…” 

Ouch!   There’s I touchy one!  I’ve asked my husband what he wants most in his woman and of course his mind went straight to the gutter!  After I got him back on the right path he said that what he wants most from me is “a positive attitude.”  Guys have enough negativity coming at them from every side all day, the last thing they want is to get hit in the face with it when they walk through the door!   I’m not saying we’re supposed to be Pollyanna 24/7, God knows I’m not!   That’s something I’ve worked hard on for the past few years.  I used to go straight to the worst case scenario.  Ben’s been so patient with me during this time of retraining my brain to think positively.  I’d like to be able to say that I’ve mastered the art of optimism but I haven’t.  I am working on it though.  Guess what, guys don’t want perfection, they just want to know that you’re theirs to keep!

Since I try to keep my blogs a short read I will be continuing this one at a later date!  There’s definitely more where this came from! 

God Is A Romantic!

This weekend my husband and I will celebrate 11 years of wedded bliss!  I can't believe it's been that long!  Then again it seems like we've been together a lifetime!  My how time flies when you're in love...

During my morning "blog hour" I read one of my favorite blogs that always inspires me to think about things in a new way.  It was about marriage and since marriage is my passion, instead of just going into "scan mode" I read every word!  I was so inspired that I decided to post a new blog myself!  The author spoke of marriage as two separate individuals living their own lives.  There were a lot of great points, but my mind kept going back to the scriptures I've read all of my life and a thought struck me.  "God is a romantic!"  You see, I believe all scripture is inspired by Him, which means that there is nothing in His word that was not put there by Him!  Here are a list of romantic stories in the Bible... Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, Ruth and Boaz... oh and don't forget my favorite, the Song of Solomon! :-)   God inspired all of these!!!

But it's these passages that disagree with the "two separate" people idea the most and further instills in my mind that God is the ultimate romantic!  Matthew 19:6   "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."  Ephesians 5:31  "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh."   None of these scriptures lead me to believe that when a man and woman pledge their lives to each other they continue to walk their separate ways.  Both speak of a man leaving the road he was on (...leave his father and mother...) and taking his wife with him to start a new path together (...and shall be joined unto his wife...).  

When I married Ben I didn't cease to be me, I changed my name and embraced the new me!  I married a man that encouraged me to do things that I never would have done had I continued to walk alone... I didn't have the guts!  To tell you the truth, I didn't have any real aspirations before I married.  The things I have accomplished have been because my man told me I could! I do NOT like getting up in front of people and speaking but Ben said "babe you'd be a great teacher!" So, when asked to speak to a group of women, I always swallow my fear and memorize my notes! I would never have dreamed I could do that!

Ever read about the Proverbs 31 woman?!  She definitely is not lost in her husbands shadow, and neither did she overshadow him.  They compliment each other!  Proverbs 31:23 "Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land."  They both have merit!

When Ben decided to take a decrease in pay and change career paths to realize his dream of teaching I said "go for it honey!"  I learned to be thrifty with his meager salary, but we were so happy that when his job downsized and he was let go I was almost depressed because I had come to love his job as much as he did!   Now he's realizing another dream of his, teaching Psychology at a Bible College and I'm enjoying the ride!  My husband is at his best when he's in front of young people teaching and I support him with all my heart.  He in turn supports my passions... I'm sure he doesn't really enjoy hearing me talk about pregnancy, labor and birth all the time, but he shares in the excitement I feel when I've got my nose in my text books learning new things about the female reproductive system... thankfully he's as intrigued with Physiology as I am!

Yes, Ben and I are two separate individuals but neither of us is walking alone and neither of us want to!  You see, God joined us together and now we walk side by side each of us supporting the other.  I love it that Paul says that we become "one flesh".  We no longer just have our own interests in mind but the interests of the other.  I've not put my dreams on hold because I "have" to stay home with the girls, but rather, I am waiting for God's perfect timing in realizing those dreams.  I am going to be a birth Doula, maybe not now but when the time is right.  For now I am hitting the books hard and honing my skills, so that when it's time I will be the best I possibly can and Ben is  my constant encourager!

I enjoy married life.  I love having a companion, friend, encourager and lover... ;-) Hey, God meant for us to love making love! lol  That's why Song of Solomon is my favorite love story in the Bible!  Most of all I love married life because I now I don't ever have to walk alone and romantic songs are only depressing when we're apart...

"If You Can't Say Anything Nice..."

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in they sight, oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

Did your Mom ever tell you, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"?  Mine did!  Yet through the years I seem to have forgotten some of the important lessons my amazing mother taught me.  

This morning someone dear to me said something so amazingly sweet to me that it totally changed my day!  It got me to thinking about my words and how I say them and how they affect others.  Two weeks ago my girls and I started committing Psalm 19:14 to memory, it has worked wonders in our home!  When you constantly meditate on something positive like that scripture, it's hard to have a bad thought or to gossip or put someone down.  

While it is very important to encourage others with our words and keep our thoughts towards them positive, sometimes we are more careful with how we treat "others" that we forget that when we were commanded in Ephesians 4:32 "And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another..." Paul means  all "anothers".  Yes, this means our husbands as well!!!  Our husbands deserve to be treated with the same respect that we show perfect strangers.  I have been guilty of being more respectful to strangers than I have to my husband!  Why is that?  We will never see that stranger again, but our husbands and kids are stuck with us!  What do you think?  Is "being stuck" with you a good thing?  Would you like to be stuck with you?  I've asked myself this question often and I try to make changes accordingly.  Some days I fail miserably and other days I think I've arrived!  

So go ahead think of something nice to say about your man... yeah, maybe he's been a jerk lately and doesn't deserve it... how deserving have you been lately?  "Two wrongs don't make a right!"  Ever think about how childish we behave with our husbands?  If it wasn't so true it'd almost be funny.  "He said his Mom's baked chicken is better than mine!  So I'm going to act all hurt and not speak to him for a few days, and he can forget sex!"  When what he really said was "man babe, my Mom has this baked chicken recipe that is awesome!"  See how we turn things around in our heads?  We're women we're good at manipulating words so we can have something to be upset about!  I've done it!  

For the most part guys say exactly what the mean, no underlying meaning, no hidden barbs.  So here's your homework for the day:  take your husbands words at face value (quit reading into his words for Pete's sake!!!), and say something nice.  Maybe he was a jerk, but we're no angel!  You will be amazed at the change in your relationship when you start saying nice things even when you don't feel like it.  So go ahead spit it out!  He really does look sexy in those jeans and that t-shirt... You may have to think hard but soon it'll be easy.  Once you retrain your brain to include your man into that "one another" that Paul speaks of, life just might have a few surprises for you!

Here's a new saying for you "if you can't think of something nice to say, don't say anything until you do!"

Marriage Advice From the Song of Solomon

After reading Linda Dillow’s amazing book, “What’s it like to be Married to Me?”  I was inspired to read through the Song of Solomon with a whole different mindset than I have had in the past.  I am reading through it this time as I would any other marriage book.  I used to read through the Song of Solomon quickly, almost blushing and the descriptions, and terminology!  Wow that book has a vernacular all it’s own!  With the help of esword, a few other sources and my wonderful husband, I am reading it through again with a new understanding.  

This time I am reading it with the intent of further enriching our marriage.  If ever there was a book with advice to husbands of wife about how great married sex should be… what an amazing manual!!!

I’m only just beginning to gather insight, but when I am finished I will share all that I’ve discovered in this truly beautiful love story!  There are so much wisdom hidden in the words of this wonderful book.   I have never in my life used a highlighter when reading this book, but I have also, never studied this book either!   As so many others, I have often wondered why this book was even in the Bible!  With the help of the Lord I hope to enlighten you! 

I cannot wait to share with you all that I am discovering!!!

SEX… It Isn’t a Dirty Word!

Week Three

Heb 13:4  “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled…”

The third and final thing I did on my road to sexual intimacy with my husband, was act on what I’d been reading and studying about sex.   If you are like me you just feel uncomfortable getting out of your comfort zone!  That was my biggest obstacle in my journey. ( I’m not suggesting  you do anything that feels wrong… Sodomy, for instance, is not only wrong, but it’s unhealthy and I don’t believe that it’s part of God design for sex.) What I am suggesting is that you try new things with your man!  A lot of men are dying to get out of the “sexual rut” they’re in!  For some men that’s their reason or one of the leading factors in entering into an affair.  I am not saying that if your husband has had an affair it is your fault because you’re not good in bed or something!  But we as wives have the power to make our bedroom his favorite place to be! 

What I’m getting at here is that we need to revive what we had when we were in the first few weeks or months of our marriage.  So many couples think that can’t be done.  I completely disagree!  No we aren’t able to do it whenever the “mood” strikes us anymore, but sometimes that’s half the fun right?  Getting the kids off to bed and then time for some “alone time” with your roommate…  FLIRT with him again!  My husband has told me on several occasions that he “loves it when you flirt with me!” 

I know you’re all thinking “so how do we spice it up?”  That’s the easy part!  I’m going to let you in on a little secret… I hadn’t bought any nighties for myself until… ok let’s just say we’d been married  for way to long for me to have not taken some time on updating my “arsenal” as I like to call it.  I happen to be a very big “penny pincher” and figured why invest in new nighties when I already had a whole drawer of perfectly nice ones?   Being the penny pincher that I am I did not throw out the old ones, they remind me of our beginning and I can’t throw that away.  I did however retire them!

Go through your drawer’s ladies… literally!  Throw away anything that’s not cute!  I started throwing away underwear left and right.  It meant a trip to my favorite department store for new underthings but the response I got was well worth it!   What’s funny is, Ben never once complained about my spending a little bit of money on the “arsenal”.  We’ve even joked before about selling the contents of my nighty/underwear drawer to pay off the mortgage!

Something else you HAVE to do is quit thinking of sex with your husband as something you HAVE to do,  to keep him happy!  God meant for us women to take pleasure in sex as much as our man does!  We just have to retrain our brain.  Sex isn’t a chore it’s something God gave us that is so special that He intended for us to spend our lifetime together perfecting the skill.  Yes, I said lifetime!  After all God’s intent for marriage was “till death do us part.” 

Never use this beautiful gift that God has given you and your husband as a “weapon” to teach him a lesson!
I Corinthians 7:4 “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”  Paul (who wasn’t even married mind you) is saying your body is your husbands and his is yours.  DON’T WITHHOLD it to make him pay!!!

Here’s another tip and then I will conclude.  I’ve found that a lot of the arguments we’ve had during our marriage was when we weren’t taking time for sex.  Yes, it does affect your mindset and your judgment.  You will be more likely to pick a fight with your spouse if you’ve been abstaining.  If you don’t believe it then why is it that after a wonderful “love making session” the world seems right again?   

If you think that sex is only good for the first couple of years and then you settle into a routine, think again!  It’s that routine that kills marriages.  Getting out of this routine is what will make your marriage great so get out of your rut and start spicing it up! 

Here’s a suggestion…  try “sexting”  (sending suggestive texts to him during the day) just be sure to double check who that text is going to!!!  LOL You do not want that kind of embarrassment! 

I hope these little lessons I’ve learned will help you in your “marriage journey”, may it be a beautiful and blessed one!

Books I recommend reading to enrich your marriage:  Created to be His Help Meet – Debbie Pearl ,  The 5 Love Languages (this is a great one to read together)–Gary Chapman and What’s it Like to be Married to Me-Linda Dillow.