The Slow Fade

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray

Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

By Casting Crowns

I was thinking the other day about a couple who married a few months after Ben and I.  Their marriage ended two years ago and it still causes a twinge when I think about it.  My heart is heavy when I see them separate.  So many times we look at these lives and wonder when the change began, when did   it begin to fall apart?  When did they just get sick of working it out and decided to go their separate ways?  I don't think there's really an answer to that question.  There have been times in our own marriage when I was just sick of trying, sick of working things out and disgusted with the roller coaster that we seemed to be on!  The marriages that fall apart are no different than ours!  In every marriage there are obstacles to over come and challenges to be met.  

Ben & I

I've heard these lines so many times, "we're just going in different directions now..." or "we just fell out of love."  I can see what they mean when they say they're going in different directions, although, I don't think the marriage has to end because of that.  If you stick around you'll realize there's more common ground than you thought.  Ben and I have went through phases in our lives when I really did wonder how we were going to make it work, our goals just seemed so different.  So yes, you do change and grow up and you definitely are different than when you first married, but keep in mind, you married that man/woman for better or for worse.  The problem is when you give yourself an out then you're less likely to make the marriage last when the going gets tough.  I know that affairs are hard things to work through, but I have saw it done with my own eyes!!  They made it through!  You can do anything you set your mind to, whether it be running a marathon, skydiving and yes, even saving your marriage.  You've just gotta want it bad enough.  I've saw a marriage shaken from the affects of a husband who was addicted to porn survive.  I've saw a marriage survive when the husband was an alcoholic (now recovered).  In each of these situations they all had one thing in common, they wanted to work things out, and that's what it all comes down to.  

You can't fall out of love because love isn't a feeling or an emotion, it's a decision you make every day of your life!  I wake up every morning and decided to love Ben.  Now that doesn't mean that we have the perfect marriage, and we have some BAD days.  We've had weeks go by that we just couldn't seem to quit fighting!  We'd get over one argument and  work it out and an hour later we'd be disagreeing about something else!  It's emotionally taxing sometimes, but I'm glad that I know Ben is as dedicated to making our marriage work as I am.  You're marriage doesn't just have to work, it can become an amazing journey!  

So, as of today... I LOVE MY MARRIAGE!!! It's the best decision I've ever made, and that guy I married?  Yeah, he's turned into one amazing man.  He's been a wonderful friend, companion and lover!  Hopefully we have a lot of "good" days left!

You’ve Lost Your Mystery, Now What? Part II

In my last post we talked about being positive and looking at life with “the glass is half full” mindset.  Believe me this will go a long way in regaining your guys attention.  Not that you ever lost his attraction, maybe he’s just been looking for that sweet girl he married! 

Let’s be honest ladies.  None of us are that carefree girl we were when we snagged our handsome man and that’s natural and healthy.  The healthy part being, that we’ve matured (hopefully), but becoming uptight and just plain ol’ no fun however is not healthy for our marriage.  This leads me to my next point.

BE SPONTANIOUS!!!  Whether it’s in the bedroom or maybe it’s just dropping your mop and forgetting the house is a mess and running to Mc Donald’s for Hot Fudge Sundays with the family! This is the thing I struggle with the most. 

Since my husband is a psychology teacher he has little personality tests lying around.  While flying to California last week for a wedding, he pulled one out and asked me some questions.  Come to find out I have all but one of the traits for the personality disorder Obsessive Compulsive (OCD).  So as you can imagine, it’s really hard for me to just drop things and run.  Especially when it comes to my house!  I can’t handle a mess, and getting used to living with four very messy daughters has been quite a challenge for me.  I don’t always handle things the way I should  and that has caused some strife in our marriage.  My husband is not a messy, and leads more towards the OCD but he’s also laid back and is VERY good at just leaving it all and coming back to start again refreshed.  He’s been good for me!  I am a work in progress!

Being spontaneous in the bedroom is a little harder for me as it is for a lot of women.  When I have a million things on my mind, it’s hard to think sexy thoughts!  I used to get aggravated at Ben when he’d get in a bad mood when he hadn’t “gotten any” lately, it was a mystery to my why on earth he reacted that way.  To my shock and surprise in the past year or so I’ve found that Ben isn’t the only one who gets grouchy when they aren’t “getting any”!  I’ve paid attention and have learned that we are more likely to pick fights and get grouchy with each other when we aren’t having sex regularly. Go figure!!!   I’ve found that sex is vitally important to our marriage, so I’ve adjusted the way I think about it.  I make it a habit to put on sexy underwear, and about every two or three months I go online and buy myself a sexy nighty.  Sometimes I buy things that I like and sometimes it’s something Ben will like.  It’s amazing how spontaneous you can feel when you’re feeling sexy!

You’ve Lost Your Mystery, Now What?

If you’re anything like me,  (I think I’m a pretty average woman) at some point during your marriage you’ve started feeling like you’ve lost that special something that lured your man and made him fall desperately in love with you. 

Let’s face it, we’re no longer 19, we don’t feel 19 and once again if you’re like me you definitely don’t look 19 anymore!!!  I’ve managed to keep the weight off and I keep myself pretty active so that helps; but there’s the lose skin and stretch marks from four pregnancies, I quit tanning bed’s years ago due to health concerns…I’m tired most of the time and I just don’t feel exiting anymore!  We have a pretty good sex life and I still wear the sexy nighties (you’d be amazed at how much of a difference what you where to bed makes :-), but sometimes I wonder if my guy is still excited about me?  My stomach still does those little flip flops when he walks into the room, when he stops and puts his hand on the small of my back or when he wears blue jeans and a white t-shirt… talk about distracting!  I’ve always felt like I was the lucky one in our relationship!  If you’ve looked at my profile picture you’d know what I mean, my husband is one good looking guy!  How do I make sure that he’s still as excited about me as I am about having snagged him?

For this blog I talked to my best friend about her little antics, what she does to keep that mystery how she keeps her man coming back for more!   

My best friend (Married 8 years) said, “I pamper myself! I wear a color he likes me in, shave my legs… take my time fixing my hair.  Sometimes I think back to when we were dating and try to remember how I acted then that attracted him to me.”  There’s some great advice!  She also said that the one thing her husband hates is that “sometimes I don’t know how to relax and chill, have a good time!  He likes it when I’m positive…” 

Ouch!   There’s I touchy one!  I’ve asked my husband what he wants most in his woman and of course his mind went straight to the gutter!  After I got him back on the right path he said that what he wants most from me is “a positive attitude.”  Guys have enough negativity coming at them from every side all day, the last thing they want is to get hit in the face with it when they walk through the door!   I’m not saying we’re supposed to be Pollyanna 24/7, God knows I’m not!   That’s something I’ve worked hard on for the past few years.  I used to go straight to the worst case scenario.  Ben’s been so patient with me during this time of retraining my brain to think positively.  I’d like to be able to say that I’ve mastered the art of optimism but I haven’t.  I am working on it though.  Guess what, guys don’t want perfection, they just want to know that you’re theirs to keep!

Since I try to keep my blogs a short read I will be continuing this one at a later date!  There’s definitely more where this came from! 

God Is A Romantic!

This weekend my husband and I will celebrate 11 years of wedded bliss!  I can't believe it's been that long!  Then again it seems like we've been together a lifetime!  My how time flies when you're in love...

During my morning "blog hour" I read one of my favorite blogs that always inspires me to think about things in a new way.  It was about marriage and since marriage is my passion, instead of just going into "scan mode" I read every word!  I was so inspired that I decided to post a new blog myself!  The author spoke of marriage as two separate individuals living their own lives.  There were a lot of great points, but my mind kept going back to the scriptures I've read all of my life and a thought struck me.  "God is a romantic!"  You see, I believe all scripture is inspired by Him, which means that there is nothing in His word that was not put there by Him!  Here are a list of romantic stories in the Bible... Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, Ruth and Boaz... oh and don't forget my favorite, the Song of Solomon! :-)   God inspired all of these!!!

But it's these passages that disagree with the "two separate" people idea the most and further instills in my mind that God is the ultimate romantic!  Matthew 19:6   "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."  Ephesians 5:31  "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh."   None of these scriptures lead me to believe that when a man and woman pledge their lives to each other they continue to walk their separate ways.  Both speak of a man leaving the road he was on (...leave his father and mother...) and taking his wife with him to start a new path together (...and shall be joined unto his wife...).  

When I married Ben I didn't cease to be me, I changed my name and embraced the new me!  I married a man that encouraged me to do things that I never would have done had I continued to walk alone... I didn't have the guts!  To tell you the truth, I didn't have any real aspirations before I married.  The things I have accomplished have been because my man told me I could! I do NOT like getting up in front of people and speaking but Ben said "babe you'd be a great teacher!" So, when asked to speak to a group of women, I always swallow my fear and memorize my notes! I would never have dreamed I could do that!

Ever read about the Proverbs 31 woman?!  She definitely is not lost in her husbands shadow, and neither did she overshadow him.  They compliment each other!  Proverbs 31:23 "Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land."  They both have merit!

When Ben decided to take a decrease in pay and change career paths to realize his dream of teaching I said "go for it honey!"  I learned to be thrifty with his meager salary, but we were so happy that when his job downsized and he was let go I was almost depressed because I had come to love his job as much as he did!   Now he's realizing another dream of his, teaching Psychology at a Bible College and I'm enjoying the ride!  My husband is at his best when he's in front of young people teaching and I support him with all my heart.  He in turn supports my passions... I'm sure he doesn't really enjoy hearing me talk about pregnancy, labor and birth all the time, but he shares in the excitement I feel when I've got my nose in my text books learning new things about the female reproductive system... thankfully he's as intrigued with Physiology as I am!

Yes, Ben and I are two separate individuals but neither of us is walking alone and neither of us want to!  You see, God joined us together and now we walk side by side each of us supporting the other.  I love it that Paul says that we become "one flesh".  We no longer just have our own interests in mind but the interests of the other.  I've not put my dreams on hold because I "have" to stay home with the girls, but rather, I am waiting for God's perfect timing in realizing those dreams.  I am going to be a birth Doula, maybe not now but when the time is right.  For now I am hitting the books hard and honing my skills, so that when it's time I will be the best I possibly can and Ben is  my constant encourager!

I enjoy married life.  I love having a companion, friend, encourager and lover... ;-) Hey, God meant for us to love making love! lol  That's why Song of Solomon is my favorite love story in the Bible!  Most of all I love married life because I now I don't ever have to walk alone and romantic songs are only depressing when we're apart...

"If You Can't Say Anything Nice..."

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in they sight, oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

Did your Mom ever tell you, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"?  Mine did!  Yet through the years I seem to have forgotten some of the important lessons my amazing mother taught me.  

This morning someone dear to me said something so amazingly sweet to me that it totally changed my day!  It got me to thinking about my words and how I say them and how they affect others.  Two weeks ago my girls and I started committing Psalm 19:14 to memory, it has worked wonders in our home!  When you constantly meditate on something positive like that scripture, it's hard to have a bad thought or to gossip or put someone down.  

While it is very important to encourage others with our words and keep our thoughts towards them positive, sometimes we are more careful with how we treat "others" that we forget that when we were commanded in Ephesians 4:32 "And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another..." Paul means  all "anothers".  Yes, this means our husbands as well!!!  Our husbands deserve to be treated with the same respect that we show perfect strangers.  I have been guilty of being more respectful to strangers than I have to my husband!  Why is that?  We will never see that stranger again, but our husbands and kids are stuck with us!  What do you think?  Is "being stuck" with you a good thing?  Would you like to be stuck with you?  I've asked myself this question often and I try to make changes accordingly.  Some days I fail miserably and other days I think I've arrived!  

So go ahead think of something nice to say about your man... yeah, maybe he's been a jerk lately and doesn't deserve it... how deserving have you been lately?  "Two wrongs don't make a right!"  Ever think about how childish we behave with our husbands?  If it wasn't so true it'd almost be funny.  "He said his Mom's baked chicken is better than mine!  So I'm going to act all hurt and not speak to him for a few days, and he can forget sex!"  When what he really said was "man babe, my Mom has this baked chicken recipe that is awesome!"  See how we turn things around in our heads?  We're women we're good at manipulating words so we can have something to be upset about!  I've done it!  

For the most part guys say exactly what the mean, no underlying meaning, no hidden barbs.  So here's your homework for the day:  take your husbands words at face value (quit reading into his words for Pete's sake!!!), and say something nice.  Maybe he was a jerk, but we're no angel!  You will be amazed at the change in your relationship when you start saying nice things even when you don't feel like it.  So go ahead spit it out!  He really does look sexy in those jeans and that t-shirt... You may have to think hard but soon it'll be easy.  Once you retrain your brain to include your man into that "one another" that Paul speaks of, life just might have a few surprises for you!

Here's a new saying for you "if you can't think of something nice to say, don't say anything until you do!"

Marriage Advice From the Song of Solomon

After reading Linda Dillow’s amazing book, “What’s it like to be Married to Me?”  I was inspired to read through the Song of Solomon with a whole different mindset than I have had in the past.  I am reading through it this time as I would any other marriage book.  I used to read through the Song of Solomon quickly, almost blushing and the descriptions, and terminology!  Wow that book has a vernacular all it’s own!  With the help of esword, a few other sources and my wonderful husband, I am reading it through again with a new understanding.  

This time I am reading it with the intent of further enriching our marriage.  If ever there was a book with advice to husbands of wife about how great married sex should be… what an amazing manual!!!

I’m only just beginning to gather insight, but when I am finished I will share all that I’ve discovered in this truly beautiful love story!  There are so much wisdom hidden in the words of this wonderful book.   I have never in my life used a highlighter when reading this book, but I have also, never studied this book either!   As so many others, I have often wondered why this book was even in the Bible!  With the help of the Lord I hope to enlighten you! 

I cannot wait to share with you all that I am discovering!!!

SEX… It Isn’t a Dirty Word!

Week Three

Heb 13:4  “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled…”

The third and final thing I did on my road to sexual intimacy with my husband, was act on what I’d been reading and studying about sex.   If you are like me you just feel uncomfortable getting out of your comfort zone!  That was my biggest obstacle in my journey. ( I’m not suggesting  you do anything that feels wrong… Sodomy, for instance, is not only wrong, but it’s unhealthy and I don’t believe that it’s part of God design for sex.) What I am suggesting is that you try new things with your man!  A lot of men are dying to get out of the “sexual rut” they’re in!  For some men that’s their reason or one of the leading factors in entering into an affair.  I am not saying that if your husband has had an affair it is your fault because you’re not good in bed or something!  But we as wives have the power to make our bedroom his favorite place to be! 

What I’m getting at here is that we need to revive what we had when we were in the first few weeks or months of our marriage.  So many couples think that can’t be done.  I completely disagree!  No we aren’t able to do it whenever the “mood” strikes us anymore, but sometimes that’s half the fun right?  Getting the kids off to bed and then time for some “alone time” with your roommate…  FLIRT with him again!  My husband has told me on several occasions that he “loves it when you flirt with me!” 

I know you’re all thinking “so how do we spice it up?”  That’s the easy part!  I’m going to let you in on a little secret… I hadn’t bought any nighties for myself until… ok let’s just say we’d been married  for way to long for me to have not taken some time on updating my “arsenal” as I like to call it.  I happen to be a very big “penny pincher” and figured why invest in new nighties when I already had a whole drawer of perfectly nice ones?   Being the penny pincher that I am I did not throw out the old ones, they remind me of our beginning and I can’t throw that away.  I did however retire them!

Go through your drawer’s ladies… literally!  Throw away anything that’s not cute!  I started throwing away underwear left and right.  It meant a trip to my favorite department store for new underthings but the response I got was well worth it!   What’s funny is, Ben never once complained about my spending a little bit of money on the “arsenal”.  We’ve even joked before about selling the contents of my nighty/underwear drawer to pay off the mortgage!

Something else you HAVE to do is quit thinking of sex with your husband as something you HAVE to do,  to keep him happy!  God meant for us women to take pleasure in sex as much as our man does!  We just have to retrain our brain.  Sex isn’t a chore it’s something God gave us that is so special that He intended for us to spend our lifetime together perfecting the skill.  Yes, I said lifetime!  After all God’s intent for marriage was “till death do us part.” 

Never use this beautiful gift that God has given you and your husband as a “weapon” to teach him a lesson!
I Corinthians 7:4 “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”  Paul (who wasn’t even married mind you) is saying your body is your husbands and his is yours.  DON’T WITHHOLD it to make him pay!!!

Here’s another tip and then I will conclude.  I’ve found that a lot of the arguments we’ve had during our marriage was when we weren’t taking time for sex.  Yes, it does affect your mindset and your judgment.  You will be more likely to pick a fight with your spouse if you’ve been abstaining.  If you don’t believe it then why is it that after a wonderful “love making session” the world seems right again?   

If you think that sex is only good for the first couple of years and then you settle into a routine, think again!  It’s that routine that kills marriages.  Getting out of this routine is what will make your marriage great so get out of your rut and start spicing it up! 

Here’s a suggestion…  try “sexting”  (sending suggestive texts to him during the day) just be sure to double check who that text is going to!!!  LOL You do not want that kind of embarrassment! 

I hope these little lessons I’ve learned will help you in your “marriage journey”, may it be a beautiful and blessed one!

Books I recommend reading to enrich your marriage:  Created to be His Help Meet – Debbie Pearl ,  The 5 Love Languages (this is a great one to read together)–Gary Chapman and What’s it Like to be Married to Me-Linda Dillow.

Kitchen Aid Giveaway!!!

Yes, I know this is a marriage blog but I ran across this link while surfing thru twitter... http://reluctantentertainer.com/2011/09/kitchen-aid-stand-mixer-giveaway-via-usa-today-your-life/
I signed up to win a kitchen aid stand mixer... I don't usually win stuff but who knows?  My luck could change!  So could yours! ;-)

Part 2 of "Sex! It Isn't a Dirty Word!"

Week 2

The second step I took was rather a big one.   I organized my days so that at bed time I wasn’t completely exhausted and even scheduled a nap if I was especially tired that day.

Let's face it, we all have time for the things we want to make time for.  If you're married then your marriage should be a priority, and making time for “love making” with your man is vitally important to the success of your marriage!


 Many times we put our time and energy into things that we feel are important to us, whether it be our hobby, entertaining or pouring ourselves into our children.  These things are important, but if you are married then your marriage should become your favorite and most important “hobby”.   Yes, you should do well in your marriage you should want to perfect it as best you can.  I’m not saying you have to be the perfect little wife who does everything right, but you should take as much pride in your marriage as you do with the other important areas of your life. 

Here’s one way to think of it.   They say “behind every great man is a great woman.”  Who’s standing behind those men who seem like failures?  Is it a wife who’s always second guessing him or who is never “in the mood” for sex? 

“Well, that’s just crazy!  Not getting regular sex can’t make a man a failure!”

I beg to differ with you…  depending on the man, sex can make all the difference in the performance of his day to day duties or even his lifelong goals.  If you have a man who is fine with once a week love making that’s fine, however if you have a man who has a stronger libido then “giving in” to him once a week will only hold him back!  It’s true! 

Here’s another secret… men hate it when you “give in”.  They don’t want their wife to give in and “have sex with them” they want us to be active, interested participators.  For the most part men want it to be “good for us” as too, but they’ll take it out of necessity if you just “give in”.  In I Corinthians 7:3 Paul says  “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.”  Did you ever wonder what “due benevolence” was?  It’s “good” sex!  Not just the “oh alright if you’re gonna whine about it” kind of sex, but the sex where you are both enjoying being with each other!  If you read thru the Bible especially the Song of Solomon, you see that God means for sex between you and your husband to be a wonderful experience! 

So, take the time to plan for sex like you would for anything else you really “want” to do!  It’ll be well worth it!  And when people see that awesome man of yours preforming well at work or at whatever he sets his mind to they’ll be thinking “I bet he has one amazing woman at home!”  And you know what?  They’ll be right!

SEX… It Isn’t a Dirty Word!

Heb 13:4 says,  “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled…”    For so many years this subject has gone unexamined, and many marriages have suffered because of it. 

Week 1

Before I was married, I knew a little about sex, but I was pretty sheltered!  I went into marriage a virgin and I do not regret my inexperience.  It was fun learning all about this wonderful relationship with the love of my life!  I do however wish I’d been given some pointers.   I knew that sex was reserved for marriage, but I did not realize how big and how important of a roll it takes in the union of a man and woman!  

My husband and I didn’t experience any issues with this area of our married relationship until about six years into it.  We had two children by then and I had started feeling the effects of “sleep deprivation” so that when it was bed time, all I wanted to do was fall into bed and do nothing but … sleep!  My husband tried to be understanding in the beginning but for some men going for 1 and 2 weeks sometimes more without any action… well, it’s like taking heroin from a druggy!  That is NOT an exaggeration!  You see, when two people are intimately involved your body releases a bonding agent called oxytocin and works sort of like a drug.  It’s what causes an abused woman to go back to her husband/boyfriend.  It’s sort of like a trust serum.   When you go for a period of time without physical touch it causes you to act sort of irrational.  It’s more present in men, but I do know of some women who are more sexually dominant than their husbands.  When they go without sex they become moody and sort of irrational.  For women,  it will cause mood swings, and bouts of crying!  My husband has spent the past three years teaching and studying oxytocin, I’m trying to get him to guest blog for me on this subject.  It’s quite an amazing study!

I’m going to go out on a limb her and say that most marriage issues start in the bedroom… So the next time your husband’s grouchy and short tempered?  Take it to the bedroom literally!  I know you’re thinking how?  I am so tired I can’t even think of anything else!  I know exactly where you’re coming from!  Something that opened my eyes to meeting my husband’s needs was reading “Created to be His Help Meet” by Debi Pearl,  the section in their about giving your husbands “good sex” convicted me!  It’s in Chapter 16.  It caused me to think about what kind of sex I’d been giving to my husband and I didn’t like what I saw.  Half the time I was reluctant and not really into it.  Poor guy!  He must have thought “wow, is this what it’s going to be like for the rest of our lives?” 

So how did I start “getting in “the mood?”  My first step was to pray about it!  Yes, I really did!  You see, once I realized that God cared about our sex life as a husband and wife, I decided that He wouldn’t mind if I talked to Him about it.  If you think I’m crazy read your Bible!  Song of Solomon is filled with sexy stories!  After reading Linda Dillow’s book “What’s It Like to be Married to Me?” I read quite a bit out of that particular book.  And I found out a lot about God’s idea of sex in a married relationship.  I mean we all agree that the Bible is God’s inspired word right?  If we believe that then we will try to work on our sexual relationship with our man.  If need be do your own study on the subject and see what you come up with!

That’s all I’m going to write for this week, but I will be posting more within the next couple of weeks.  There’s so much I’ve learned personally on this subject that I can’t fit it all into one blog.  So be checking back in the coming weeks for more on this amazing study!

If you’d like to read more on oxytocin check out this site, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin  it’s a great start.  And like I said, I’m going to try to convince my husband to be a guest blogger as soon as possible so be watching for that as well.

Don't Be a "Poor" Old Lady!

I know of an elderly woman who's been alone for years.  Her husband left her long ago.  I've always felt so sorry for her and prayed that her prayers for his return would be answered.  I'd never given it much thought, about why he left her.  I just assumed he let his relationship with God go (that was part of it I'm sure).  As I was talking to a friend one day for some reason this ladies name came up in the conversation and I asked the question "why do you suppose he left her alone like that?"  The poor woman is poorer than poor and barely gets by at all!  This person told me something that has stuck with me ever since and has changed the way I respond to my husbands "brain schemes" as I like to call them!

When I asked the question my "friend" told me that once he was talking with her husband and he said "she was always so negative!" She chased him away with her constant questioning his decision making abilities.  When he would decide to do something her standard retort was "I don't think that's a good idea."  or "Do you really think we should?"  The constant questioning his abilities finally wore him down and coupled with a weak relationship with God, he finally split.  He moved on to someone who appreciated him, someone who wanted to hear his brain schemes and offered no judgement when she didn't agree with his ideas.

There was a time when I reacted the same way when Ben would come up with some grand scheme.  I'd roll my eyes sometimes and then other times I'd say something like.  "We can't afford that!" or "I don't think that's a good idea..." My poor husband!  A negative attitude is no fun to be around and boy am I good at being negative!" I'm daily retraining my brain to think and say positive things instead of instantly jumping on the negative band wagon.

Debi Pearl talks about this very subject in her book "Created to be His Help Meet."  In chapter 10 "Reactions Define You" she says "You are created to be your husband's helper, not his conscience, not his vocation director, and certainly not his critic."

Debi addresses a lot of deep issues in her book but one thing that I took away from it is "support".  I want my husband to know that he can always turn to me when he has a new idea an know that I'll listen and not try to "guide" him with my deep spiritual insights!  The Lord really had to do a work in my heart and is still working. Now when Ben comes up with yet another great idea, I listen quietly and when he's finished I keep my negative thoughts to myself.  I say something like "Wow honey,  I think you'd be great at that!"  Do you know what I've learned?  Many times all my husband is wanting to do is find out if I believe in him or not!  He's had all kinds of ideas about different vocation or ministry idea's in the past five years since the Lord's been working on me about supporting him and guess what! He's not quit his job or moved us across the country to pioneer a church or become evangelists; what he needed to know is that should he ever feel the need to change jobs or feel the Lord leading us into a different ministry I'd be with him 100%.  Who knows?  We may move before the year's out and no I don't relish the thought of leaving family and friends to strike out in a new town or state, but I do know that I will follow my man wherever he feels we're needed.  This is easier for me knowing that my husband prays about every decision a long while before he makes it, he's proved to me in the past 10 1/2 years that he doesn't just jump into a new idea without considering how our family will be affected.  He makes decisions for "us" not just to make himself happy.  Yeah, I know I'm a blessed woman... my man is perfect for me!

*I found this article to be quite interesting, and am slightly surprised it comes from a secular point of view... I thought it was worth the read and wanted to share it.  Just cut and paste this url...
http://tinyurl.com/3musywp  

Marriage and Hard Labor

Over the past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of studying on childbirth and labor in order to receive my certification as a Birth Doula.  As I was reading my text books something struck me.  Pregnancy and childbirth are a lot like a marriage!  Stop laughing and hear me out!  I promise it’ll make sense when you read the rest of this post!  Ok maybe not but you can read it anyway and check the little box that says funny on the end of the post. Lol

The first observation I made:  On the wedding day I woke early and couldn’t go back to sleep because I was too excited to do so!  Since our wedding wasn’t until 5 o’clock that evening I had a long time to wait.  My feelings ranged from excitement, kind of a sick feeling and couldn’t eat much, then, I got super nervous and had to have someone pick me up some Cheddar Bites from Sonic because all of the sudden I was starving!   Then I had that moment of sheer panic, the last thing I had to do was kiss my new husband in front of 200 guests!  Being the shy type this terrified me.   

The ceremony was soon over along with the honeymoon and then “real life” began.  For about six months we did wonderful, all was well in paradise and then BANG, out of nowhere we were fighting and I had those crazy thoughts every new bride gets “I think I made the biggest mistake of my life!  I married the wrong man!”  Since we don’t believe in divorce, I was now stuck in a “loveless marriage”… then guess what?  As quickly as the fights had begun the abated and all was well again.  We worked through our issues and moved on with life and were happily married again. 

All in all we’ve had ten and a half beautiful years together, and I couldn’t have asked for a better husband to love.  Ben has been my strong rock when I wasn’t strong enough to care for myself physically there’s only been a few of those times that I needed his help physically.  But the many times I’ve needed his help emotionally and spiritually, he’s been there strong and steady.  His has truly been a labor of love that I don’t feel worthy of but thankfully God saw fit to put this amazing man in my life.

Now, in comparison:  In the beginning when you first take that at home pregnancy test, or maybe you took three… anyway when you see the two lines which mean you’re pregnant (now I think it’s a + sign)  at that moment we’re excited beyond words, so much so that we pick up the phone and tell your husband or best bud, now days everyone posts  everything on facebook and soon our whole circle of friends and beyond know the wonderful news. 

The first few months are a trying time.  There are many times when you run to the bathroom to get rid of whatever you just ate that did not agree with your stomach.  Then there are the smells!  My house stunk for 3 or 4 months straight, the crazy thing was I’d ask Ben “what is that smell?!”  He’d sniff the air and say “I don’t smell anything…”  I’d light a candle (a Mia Bella of course ;-)), and continue bleaching the sink.  I had a very clean house while I was pregnant.  If I didn’t I’d have to spend the first few months in the bathroom!

Then, as the first fight in our marriage… the tormenting thoughts came.  “Oh no!  What have we done?  We can’t have a baby!  I don’t even know how to be a mother… what if I get it wrong?”  Then the more terrifying thoughts  “I have to have this baby!  I’ve heard it’s a lot of pain!  How will I know when to go to the hospital…?”

Finally the night arrived!  I woke with steady pains that I thought I would just work through on my own.  After about five minutes of that sort of thinking, I woke my groggy husband.  I laugh when I think of the look on Ben’s face as he nearly fell out of the bed!  It was adorable.  He scrambled for his jeans and t-shirt and we were off to have our first daughter.  Such excitement!  Gone were the thoughts of “will I be able to be a mom?”  We had but one focus, and that was getting this baby here safe and sound.  I labored without pain medication for about five hours and then accepted the temptation of an epidural which stopped my labor!   But all’s well that ends well right?    Eleven hours after we arrived at the hospital our beautiful Natalie was born.   Then of course after her three more gorgeous daughters followed!

The thing about birth and pregnancy is, that season in your life will come to an end and slowly the memories of those exciting births will fade.  Oh, you’ll never forget the excitement of the births, but some of the detail will fade.

Marriages however, well, we have to keep working on those.  If ever we think the labor is over and we’ve no need to work through the pains, then we will lose a very precious thing.  Our marriages will go through cycles.  There will be times when we think we’ve got our spouse figured out and we know how to meet their needs, and then something unexpected comes.  Maybe an illness or a job loss or the death of a beloved parent, maybe you just don’t see eye to eye on an “important” issue.  Whatever the “contraction” may be, it must be worked through or all is lost!  You’ll never see the sweet joy that comes after the hard labor.  You see, labor in a marriage never really comes to an end.  The labor isn’t always painful and there are many many times of joy that make working it out so worth the time we spent.

If you want a beautiful marriage you have to be completely committed to this beautiful labor of love.   I forget where I heard this, “great marriages don’t just happen.”  So true, if you think you’re going to have “the perfect marriage” then think again.  There are no perfect marriages, because there are no perfect people.  But it is not a hopeless case if you’re willing to work at it.  If you are the lazy sort and are opposed to hard work, then marriage isn’t  for you for it is not a project for cowards. 

Can Peace, Love and Gladness Come After Promiscuity?

"To hope for peace and love and gladness out of promiscuity is to hope for that which will never come."  Gordon B. Hinckley  

I read this quote the other day  and I must say I disagree with it completely.  Not because I have experienced it in my own life, but because I have saw it in my own family.  I've saw a marriage ripped to shreds over promiscuity on both sides and then something miraculous happened!   After years of bitterness and heart break, and "I'm going to hurt you because you hurt me."  They put an end to the "crazy cycle"!  Why? You may ask.  For the kids! They saw the damage it was having on their children and decided to end the war.  Now when I see them instead of the distance and tolerance I see love again!   I'm sure it wasn't easy, but who said forgiveness was supposed to be an easy thing.  It's a decision that must be made often, and in their situation I'm sure it's made every day!   


When I first read this quote, my mind went to the story in the Old Testament of  Hosea the prophet and Gomer the prostitute.  The idea of a a prophet and prostitute is quite absurd, but Hosea was told by God to "... Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms..." Hosea 1:2  God's reasoning?  He wanted Hosea to see how He felt when Israel turned to other gods over and over again.  Time and again the Israelites turned to other gods and then after great sorrow and persecution they turned back to the One True God, and He accepted them back with open arms!  Now I'm not suggesting that a man should go and marry a prostitute so that he can test his power of forgiveness over and over or that a woman should marry a "womanizer" so that she'll become stronger at keeping her emotions from causing further conflict in her marriage.  


I believe that  in marriages sometimes we are to quick to say "they cheated!" and write that person off forever.  Not so much out bitterness but out of fear of being hurt again.  How heartbroken Hosea must have been when he had bought Gomer off the auction block after she'd been "used" by other men, only to see her leave and go back to her many lovers after a while!   But each time she went back he'd go after her and bring her home and nurse her back to health, just as God did with the Israelites.  Can you imagine having children with such a person?  Hosea did!  What an example he must have set for their children!  Talk about unconditional love!


I don't believe Hosea could have kept taking Gomer back had he not had complete and total faith in God.   Hosea realized that if God could keep forgiving Israel for their "whoredoms" then it was God's will for him to keep forgiving his wife.   After all in the New Testament we are told to forgive "seventy times seven..."


I am not advocating for staying married to an individual who has sex for a living.  Because of all the STD's out there that's dangerous for ones health and can also affect the children from birth and not if not at birth it will eventually affect them physically just being around the infected parent.  In order for a heart to heal after a betrayal on this level it is important to forgive so as not to allow bitterness to ruin your life or your children's.  Even if you cannot save the marriage you can keep from letting it wreck your life.  Every been around someone who's let bitterness take root?  It affects they way the act speak and make decisions.  It's not a pretty thing!


I've saw a wife forgive her husbands porn habit over and over again.  Each time she discovered he was cheating again, her heart was broken all over again and each time she had to decided to forgive and trust again.  Would you believe me if I said that something beautiful became of their marriage?  Not only has their marriage survived the infidelity, it has blossomed!  When I see them I am amazed at the love I see there instead of the bitterness that is so often the result of such a betrayal.  It's amazing what the power of forgiveness can do in a marriage!


I said all of that to say this... "Yes, you can have peace and love and gladness after promiscuity!"  Will there still be scares?  Most definitely.  Will it be a short journey?  Definitely not.  Will it be hard?  Most assuredly!  Will it be worth it?  As a bystander looking in on two different situations... it was worth it to the people who I know of who went through it and lived to tell the tale! 


In order to begin again the offended person has to put aside their insecurities of being burned again, and apply the power of forgiveness.  Even if at first you don't feel that you can truly forgive, making the decision over and over will finally become easier and easier until you can feel the forgiveness.  It is also imperative to have a relationship with Jesus Christ, otherwise you are depending solely on your own strength and we all know that at times human strength fails, but the strength of our Heavenly Father endures forever!


I know it's easy for me to write on a subject that I have never dealt with in my own marriage, but if I ever have to cross that bridge I pray that I'll be able to take my own advice.  


As always, feel free to comment.  I like to hear feedback, love hearing what others have to say!

Storms

I've not had much time to think about my blog since May 22, 2011.  Unless you live under a rock I'm sure you know that I'm referring to the EF5 tornado that hit Joplin Missouri on a Sunday evening, as a lot of church goers where getting ready to or already in church.

Since then I've been volunteering in any way I can think of.  There's so much pain and so much loss.  Some will recover fully, some will not.  Those who lost loved ones will never be able to replace what they've lost, with the Lord's help they can move on but they will never forget their loss.

Lives can be rebuilt, homes can be restored and business will recover, but the loss of a loved one is a scar that will remain in our lives.  Most of us know what it means to lose a loved one, but few of us will ever know the horror of losing a loved one in this tragic way.  My heart and prayers go our neighbors in Joplin, God bless you all, and my He grant you the peace to go on.

Our Needs Are Important

In view of recent posts, I just want to make a few things clear.  Marriage issues are never just one person's fault.  There are two sides to every story and neither husband or wife are perfect individuals so both are capable of causing equal conflict in the relationship.  That's one thing that is shared 50/50 in a relationship, our equal knack for causing problems!

Another issue that I need to clear up... Our needs as women are just as important as our husbands needs, and I am not trying to insinuate that the marriage issues are of the womans making and that she is solely responsible for correcting the mistakes in the marriage.  We women need to feel needed and loved by our husbands.  We have to feel that the love and respect are mutual.  The point I am trying to make is that someone has to start the healing process in the relationship and a lot of times men don't even realize that there is a problem until we bring it up.  A lot of times the only expectation that a man goes into marriage with is sex!  We women go into marriage with a whole library fool of romance novels stuck in our brain that we expect our relationship to be like and what our men should measure up to.  We've got to get the romance novel relationship out of our heads and start facing reality.  I even took a break from romance novels for a while to "get the IV out of my vein" so to speak.  Even Christian novels can lead you to believe in false expectations for your marriage so we must be on guard and not fill our head and hearts with all that "romantical mush"!

Being the Right Person

My husband often says, "It's not about meeting the right person, it's about being the right person." Great advice for any relationship, but exceptional advice for the marriage relationship!

We often think about what our needs are in our relationship, but how often do we put our needs aside and focus on what our spouse needs?  That has been one of the most challenging things for me to learn during our 10 years of marriage!  I spent the first 5-6 years of our marriage trying to mold my husband into the man I thought he needed to be so that he could meet my needs, I wish I knew then what I've learned in the past 5 years!  When I finally quit focusing on my needs and began focusing on what I could give to our relationship, my husband soon became the "man of my dreams".  You see, that guy in the romance novels or the movies?  He doesn't exist, but so many times we measure our husbands by that standard and then are sorely disappointed when the fail to measure up to those fantastical expectations.

When I say that Ben became the "man of my dreams" I don't mean that he suddenly became some romantic, sensitive man who knew my every need before I ever spoke it.  But rather, my dreams changed or matured should I say?  I started focusing on what his needs were and he responded by becoming more in tuned to me.  Before you think it... no we are not the perfect couple and yes we do still have disagreements and issues that rise up and need resolved, but the difference is how we handle those issues.  We've both tried to get in the habit of putting the other's needs first, we both (mostly me) still slip into our old ways sometimes but we've learned that we will never have the perfect marriage since there are no perfect people in this world!  But we do have a pretty wonderful marriage, and ladies... in my opinion... he's pretty close to perfect!

That brings me to phase 4 of our TLC game.

It's all about him!


Blog Post:


Phase 3 TLC Game


"This week we will working on "information gathering".  Do your homework.  Find out what your man likes to do!  Regardless of what you might believe about the "male species" sex isn't the only thing they're interested in!  (thought that is vitally important to every marriage!)  Find where his favorite place to eat is if you don't already know.  What's his favorite dessert?    What's his favorite past time?  Gather as much information about your man as possible this week."  


The final phase to the game is going to be the best!  Now that you've began retraining your brain to think positively about your man and gathered your information to try to get to know him better it's time to put all of that to good use. So this week pick a few of his favorites and do something special for him every day starting Monday through Saturday.  Whether it's his favorite meal or dessert.  Once I took Ben on a date!  I drove and everything!  I took him to one of his favorite burger places and let him choose what activity we did on our date.  It was fun and it was definitely a surprise to him.  Get creative ladies!  Throw that man of yours for a loop!

A Marriage Requirement

The other day as  I sat reminiscing back to the early days of our marriage, a thought struck me.  It's a very elementary concept and I cannot believe that we were into our sixth year of marriage before I learned and embraced it.

Here it is... F- O- R- G- I- V- I- N- E- S- S.  I believe this should be the cornerstone of every marriage.  We've been married going on 11 years now and I am still perfecting the skill!  In our earlier years when Ben would do something to "hurt my feelings" I would of course do the usual "female pout" so that he knew I was really hurt.  He then would drag out of me what he had done, which was usually nothing quite as awful as I was letting on!  And could usually be chalked up to "hormonal" issues. One instance I remember my husband apologizing to me for what he'd done (I have no recollection of what his offense was), but instead of saying yes I forgive you and forgetting about it. I'm ashamed to say I didn't speak to him again for probably another full day!  That was beyond just childish behavior, in fact a child would have offered forgiveness!  I wanted him to suffer though.  Can you believe that?  I love my husband dearly and yet I withheld my forgiveness from because I wanted to hurt him.

One of the sections in Debi Pearl's book "Created to Be His Help Meet" talks about not forgiving our man immediately and how childish that sort of behavior is.  Now can you see how this book made a difference in me?  I was quite spoiled acting back then!  After I read several sections of the book I went to my husband and apologized for how I had been treating him and told him that I would do better. I like to think that I have, although I am very much human and as imperfect as they come. 


The attitude I had been having was one of "vengeance" and it is clearly spoken of in Rom 12:19  "...Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."  Christ commands us to forgive and let Him take care of the person whom you feel offended you.  If we bottle up vengeance in our hearts or our marriage we will destroy ourselves and our marriage.  No one wants to be married to an individual who holds a grudge and brings up past mistakes every time their feelings are hurt!  Not only is it exhausting to hold on to bitterness, it's unhealthy!  Did you know that the Mayo Clinic did a study on this very subject?  Here's part of an article I read on their web sight.

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness makes way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain
• Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

To read the entire article click on this link

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131

I am so glad that Jesus didn't forgive me the way I used to forgive!  When I ask Jesus' forgiveness, I can rest assured that my wrong will never be brought back up again!  Now I try to think about that each time I'm wronged by anyone not just my husband, and I feel I my hurt feelings are justified.  How would Jesus forgive?  Jesus would forgive immediately and He would forgive completely!  A lot of times in our relationships we will say the words "I forgive you" with our mouths, but our hearts are filled with bitterness. This is not forgiveness at all!  

Has your husband or close friend wronged you?  Yes, your feelings maybe justified, but how about letting it go?  Depending on how long you've been holding on it may be a little harder to do, but believe me. Learning to forgive completely has truly saved our marriage.  It's hard to forgive when you've truly been done wrong, that's why He said "... vengeance is mine "I" will repay."  We don't have to worry about it!  Let go of the bitterness and let God take care of the rest, you will never be sorry you did!

Phase 3: TLC Game

A recap on our TLC Game:

Blog Post "Convenient"
1)  For one week every time you think of one negative thought about your husband for any reason you must erase it with 3 positive.  At the end of the week sit down and write a list of all the positive things about your man.  Don't rush through it!  If you have to take all day do it, ponder it and each time you think of another wonderful or maybe just good thing about him write it down. 


Blog Post "Turn Off the TV"
2) No tv or movies for a solid week not even so much as a Star or Us magazine. Put it all away and focus on your marriage! 


Now for the next rule:


This week we will working on "information gathering".  Do your homework.  Find out what your man likes to do!  Regardless of what you might believe about the "male species" sex isn't the only thing they're interested in!  (thought that is vitally important to every marriage!)  Find where his favorite place to eat is if you don't already know.  What's his favorite dessert?    What's his favorite past time?  Gather as much information about your man as possible this week.  


Don't forget!  You are still practicing rules one and two along with this weeks phase.  

A Royal Marriage

When I awoke this morning, I as millions of others did, logged on to youtube first thing to watch the Royal Nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton.  I was not disappointed!  From the the moment Kate stepped out of the car at Westminister Abbey to the moment when they shared their first kiss as husband and wife, it was a thing of beauty, and now a wonderful moment in history.

As I watched the historical ceremony unfold at Westminister Abbey today, I noticed many things. Not only how radiant Princess Kate was, the dress was absolutely stunning!  I always say "simple is best", and she wore it with such elegance.  I noticed how nervous she looked right before it was her turn to repeat her vows.  I'm pretty sure William told her she looked beautiful when she stepped up beside him, and at one point ever so smoothly winked at his beautiful bride. I had to watch it a second time to catch all these little tid bits!  It was adorable when they walked out onto the balcony and Kate said "Oh my!" with a look of delightful shock when she realized what looked like all of London had turned out to wish them well.  I thought it was romantic the way William leaned in to say "One more?  One more kiss?" as the crowed chanted for yet another Royal Smooch.  If I'm reading his lips right it looks like that's what he said, or maybe I'm just an incurable romantic!  

A Royal Marriage

As I sat staring at a blank screen, trying to collect my thoughts, the final address given by The Right Honourable. Dr. Richard Chartres keeps going over and over in my mind.  He opened his address with a quote of St Cathrine of Siena "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire." Very powerful words for any married couple, but to the future King of England? Even more of a challenge!  I pray he and Kate will one day live up to those words.  I never really thought of marriage as that great a conquest, but can you imagine if every husband and wife made it their goal to allow God to make their marriage what He means for it to be.  What a wonderful world we would live in!  

The reason so many unions do not portray Christ's love and end in divorce is because of selfishness, the Reverend addressed it almost immediately following St. Cathrine's words when he said:

"...the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul, the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully reveled.  In marriage we are seeking to bring each other into fuller life.  It is of course hard to ween ourselves away from self-centerdness and people can do such a thing, but the hope should be fulfilled it is necessary that a solemn decision is made that whatever the difficulties we are committed to the way of generous love."

Truer words have never been spoken!  We all go into marriage wondering what we can get out of it.  I know that when I married my husband, Ben, my thought wasn't "I'm going to be the best wife I can be and make Ben so deliriously happy that he'll never be in a bad mood!"  Ben and I were talking about the selfish mindset we all have when we go into a relationship. It's all about what we can get out of a relationship what "can this person do for me" "How can they make me feel?" It's never, "what I can give to this relationship?"  The sad thing is we live in a "me society".  We're always running so fast about our lives that we rarely take the time to notice others around us, let alone what we can do to enrich their lives.  This mindset is what is killing marriages by the thousands!  We have got to retrain our brains to think about how we can make our spouse happy. We've got to learn what makes them smile, what makes them cry, the things they enjoy doing  and what they love!  

One last quote from the Reverend's final address that stuck with me, "As the reality of God has faded from so many lives in the West, there's been a corresponding inflation of expectations, that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life.  This is to load our partner with to great a burden.  We're all incomplete, we all need the love which is secure rather than oppressive.  We need mutual forgiveness in order to thrive.  But as we move toward our partner in love following the example of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is quickened within us and can increasingly fill our lives with light."  Our complete happiness should never be put on the shoulders of a human relationship.  If we are going to have a Royal Marriage, we must also have a deep and meaningful relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ. He alone holds the key to our complete happiness. Until we surrender our will to His we will never be able to have the beautiful marriage He desires us to have.  Until we love our mate the way Christ intended, we will never have a heavenly marriage.

I like how Reverend Chartres' talked about a "generous love", a generous love is a love that is given freely with no thought to what you will get in return.  When we learn to love generously that's when we will achieve a Royal Marriage.

My heart felt congratulations go out to Prince William and his Princess Kate.  I pray that they will heed the words of the Reverend and learn to give that generous love he spoke of, for then will they not only have had a Royal Wedding, but also a glorious Royal Marriage.  May God bless you both William and Kate!

As Close as You Want to Be

"We're just not that close."  or "She's just a hard person to be close to."  Have you ever heard some one use one or both of these phrases?  I've used them myself from time to time and I've found them to be slightly flawed in most cases. 

A lot of times what is true is we're as close as we want to be.  So many times we hold people at arms length and then we accuse them of being hard to get to know or hard to be close to.  I've found myself doing this as well.  I'll hold someone at arms length because I don't know how to be close to them or because they just annoy me.  Not very Christlike behavior is it?   I was pretty ashamed of myself when I took a good look at why I wasn't close to certain people and I've determined within my own heart to do better.  Yes, I am finding out that some people are really hard to be close to and they do really annoy me but it does get easier!

Now take all of the above information and apply it to your marriage.  You live with your husband day in and day out, you are completely aware of all his bad habits and annoying little quirks.  How do you react to the knowledge?  Do you hold him at arms length because he grates on your nerves or do you embrace your differences?  I have the best friend in the world who is also a follower of my blog I'll just call her Crystal. (Sorry Crystal, you know I have no imagination!)  Crystal is not perfect and she does not claim to be.  I know a lot of Crystals faults, but I don't dwell on them.  Crystal and I have never really had a heated argument some small disagreements but have never been angry at each other.  Why? Because we value our friendship! 

So many times marriages come to an end because we cannot just agree to disagree and move on!  Why is this so?  We give our friends chance after chance after chance, but when our husbands do something wrong we hold it over his head to be sure he's really sorry.  So many times we with hold our forgiveness because he doesn't deserve it, because "he hurt me".  So you learned a very important thing about your husband, HE'S HUMAN!  Just like your best friend is human!  Why is it so easy to forgive your best friend and completely forget about it but we feel the need to hold mistakes against our husbands for weeks, months or even years?

Proverbs 31:11 says "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her..."  This is something I have been convicted of so many times!  Can my husband trust me with his heart?  Do I let him know that I accept the fact that he's only human and love him in spite of his faults?  I found that the more I accepted my husband completely, the more he has become the man I have always wanted!   You see, I was only as close to him as I wanted to be!  It took me taking a good hard look at myself to realize that my marriage was what I was allowing it to be.  I wasn't letting myself be close to my husband!  I thought I was justified in my treatment of him because he didn't treat me the way I wanted him to treat me.  Oh how childish I was and oh how much time I wasted! 

Yes, your husband my act like a jerk and he may deserve to be treated the way you treat him, but ask yourself this one question.  "What if Jesus treated me as I deserve to be treated?  What if He held my wrongs against me?"  Asking myself this question has not only changed the way I look at my marriage but also how I look at other important relationships. 

In the book "Love and Respect" they refer to this as getting of the "crazy cycle".  I like it!  If we keep reacting out of hurt and giving our husband what he deserves, we're never going to have a good marriage and you can just forget about having a great one.  Someone has to start forgiving! Mine and Ben's marriage has been so much better since I quit wearing my feelings on my shirt sleeve just waiting for him to hurt them again.  There were so many times he was quite confused as to why I was mad at him!  We women do tend to let the little things hurt our feelings, especially during a certain time of the month!  Yes, we are all guilty of this no need to try and deny! (tongue in cheek)  We are confusing, hormonal creatures to our "waffle heads" as I like to call my hubby sometimes.  I took the reference from "Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti" by Bill & Pam Farrel.  I've never read the book but caught their interview on Focus on the Family the other day.  Great stuff!  Yes, our guys could probably do with some lessons in being a little more sensitive, as we could use a few pointers in being a whole lot less sensitive.


My challenge to all of us is this question:  "How close do you want to be to your husband?"  And please, for your marriage's sake, be completely honest with yourself when you answer! 

Turn Off the TV!

I am amazed at the amount of grown women now days who are "boy crazy!"  It's one thing to see it on tv but when you see a real live 30-40 year old married, woman look at Justin Bieber, Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattinson and go gaga, it just kind of gives me that feeling of nausea right before you throw up!  It's absolutely disgusting!  I want to go shake them and tell them to grow up!  What's even more disturbing is that these women have daughters and they take them to stand in line to see Justin Bieber and encourage the madness at a young age.  And we wonder why our little girls are not staying little girls for long.  At age 8-12 I was having a blast running around outside and playing catch with my brothers and I only thought of boys as someone to play softball with.  Now little girls are of that age group are at the salon having their hair streaked and styled then off for mani's and pedi's, their Mom's are sitting right there with them reading her copy of US!

Yes, I know it does sound as if I've gone on a rabbit trail but I haven't.  This post is about marriage!  The point I'm trying to make is this.  So many women have become so wrapped up in the lives of stars and movies and tv shows that they are losing touch with reality!  They're watching these shows and becoming increasingly dissatisfied with their own marriages so they live vicariously through the 9 and 12 year olds.  Now before you roll your eyes, I have to be honest with you.  I was one of them! Not the Mom but one of the women.  Which is how I know exactly what kind of impact Hollywood can have on a marriage.  The good thing is I had only been married three or four years when I started to realize what was happening.  Thank God I a woke up!  My husband and I got rid of all our movies and stored the monitor away for a solid year or more because of the damage it was doing to our marriage.  I had started looking at the lives of these people in movies especially the male stars and thinking, "I wish my husband was romantic like that..."  "I wish my husband would treat me like he treats here..."  if you say that the movies you watch have no affect on how you look at your marriage then you're in denial or your just plain blind! 

Movies and tv shows are destroying marriages and giving kids false expectations of life and what "real" relationships are supposed to be like.  Why do you think teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases are so prevalent today?  Teens and adults alike are sleeping around at an alarming rate and we sit back and say that tv has not affected anything.  My husband has the unique job of talking to kids and teens everyday and telling them about the dangers of that kind of lifestyle (Reality Check Inc out of Northwest Arkansas).  We are turning a blind eye to the affects Hollywood is having on our lives and we need to wake up before it's too late. 

This brings me to the second rule in our little game.  Make sure you're sitting down for this one!  Turn off the tv for a week!  Yes, you heard me right.  No tv or movies for a solid week not even so much as a Star or Us magazine. Put it all away and focus on your marriage!  So, on top of erasing negative thoughts with three positive things about your husband, you are adding the NO TV rule as well.  I know, you think you'll go into withdrawals but you won't!  I promise you will survive and your marriage will be better for it.  Who knows you may completely quit watching movies as a result.  Once you stop putting a non realistic view of marriage and relationships and get back in touch with reality you'll be amazed at how deceived you were, believe me, I've been there! 

So how about it?  Are you up for the  challenge?  You can do it!  Just remember it takes time.  You won't have a great marriage overnight, it took a while to get to the point you might be at now, so it'll take some time to get on the road to recovery and reconstruction.  You're not just fixing your marriage, you have to retrain your brain to think realistically again.  Anything worth doing is going to be a challenge!

Don't forget that at the end of each week you're supposed to sit down and write down as many positive things about your hubby that you can think of.  The less time you spend watching movies and trying to "fix" your husbands issues the better your marriage will get, it worked for us!

Convenient

I was thinking today about how many marriages I know of that have fallen apart after only a few short years and it broke my heart.  There are so many of my husband and I's friends who got married around the same time frame (2000-01) as we did and have already ended in divorce.  I'm not writing this to make us sound like we have the "perfect" marriage, but to let you know that your marriage CAN last!

Our lives have become so easy and convenient that when something actually presents a challenge for us we tend to give up on it. I've got so many gadgets at my disposal to help make my cooking and cleaning easier that our home has no excuse to be anything but immaculate; however, as of this moment it's in total disarray!  But definitely not for lack of resources!  My home is this way because I didn't up keep this week, I let other things come before my house.  Had I taken care of each individual mess as it appeared I wouldn't be feeling guilty about blogging when I should be cleaning!

Our marriages are much the same.  We have all the tools we need to have an outstanding marriage. Marriage councilors are a dime a dozen, and there's several new marriage books every year (by the way, I've got dibs on "Marriage For Dummies)  we even have sexual councilors to help us get our sex life back on track.  There are unlimited resources out there that we can tap into that all promise a better marriage.  I hate to break it to you, but no matter how many books you read or councilors you go to you will never have a great marriage if you want to do it the "easy way".  There is no easy way to a beautiful marriage.  Every good marriage takes lots of time and work.  You've got to "want" to make it work, there has to be something in you that wants to work it!  I know that some marriages may have too much baggage to work out, maybe your husband was/is abusive or a cheater. I'm not saying stay in a dangerous situation.  If your husband hits you DO NOT stay in that marriage!  He must get some serious therapy before you should try to work on saving!

I'm not suggesting that you go out and buy up all the marriage/relationship books or start going to a  councilor.  Although if you are having serious issues that's definitely advisable!  I think that romantic movies and novels have put false expectations in many women's minds.  We've got it in our heads that our husbands have to make grand gestures all the time and daily woo us and sweep us off our feet.  I was once told when I was a teenager.  "You're not going to find a perfect guy out there, and if you do what makes you think he's gonna want you?"  I admit that does sound a bit harsh but there is an element to truth to that statement.  We're waiting on our husbands to reach "perfection" and we forget about the fact that we've many issues ourselves.

You've heard the saying "you are what you eat." I say "your marriage is what you make it!"  If you are feeding your marriage all the junk the Hollywood puts out on a regular basis you will eventually become dissatisfied in your own marriage and begin picking away at all the habits that annoy you about your husband.  Instead of being focused on the things about him that you fell in love with you will suddenly become totally aware of his shortcomings and failures.  He'll become distant because his sick of the nagging and you'll become increasingly lonely when he's out with the guys or traveling on business until one day you wake up and you don't have a clue why you married this stranger!  Concentrating on the negative WILL have negative results.

My challenge to you is a simple little game:  for one week every time you think of one negative thought about your husband for any reason you must erase it with 3 positive.  At the end of the week sit down and write a list of all the positive things about your man.  Don't rush through it!  If you have to take all day do it, ponder it and each time you think of another wonderful or maybe just good thing about him write it down.  Next week I'll add another rule to the challenge.  Since there are four weeks each month there will be four steps to the challenge.

As I said in my first post "What If" a marriage is a two way street and there needs to be give on both ends, but someone has to start it, why not you?!