The Slow Fade

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray

Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

By Casting Crowns

I was thinking the other day about a couple who married a few months after Ben and I.  Their marriage ended two years ago and it still causes a twinge when I think about it.  My heart is heavy when I see them separate.  So many times we look at these lives and wonder when the change began, when did   it begin to fall apart?  When did they just get sick of working it out and decided to go their separate ways?  I don't think there's really an answer to that question.  There have been times in our own marriage when I was just sick of trying, sick of working things out and disgusted with the roller coaster that we seemed to be on!  The marriages that fall apart are no different than ours!  In every marriage there are obstacles to over come and challenges to be met.  

Ben & I

I've heard these lines so many times, "we're just going in different directions now..." or "we just fell out of love."  I can see what they mean when they say they're going in different directions, although, I don't think the marriage has to end because of that.  If you stick around you'll realize there's more common ground than you thought.  Ben and I have went through phases in our lives when I really did wonder how we were going to make it work, our goals just seemed so different.  So yes, you do change and grow up and you definitely are different than when you first married, but keep in mind, you married that man/woman for better or for worse.  The problem is when you give yourself an out then you're less likely to make the marriage last when the going gets tough.  I know that affairs are hard things to work through, but I have saw it done with my own eyes!!  They made it through!  You can do anything you set your mind to, whether it be running a marathon, skydiving and yes, even saving your marriage.  You've just gotta want it bad enough.  I've saw a marriage shaken from the affects of a husband who was addicted to porn survive.  I've saw a marriage survive when the husband was an alcoholic (now recovered).  In each of these situations they all had one thing in common, they wanted to work things out, and that's what it all comes down to.  

You can't fall out of love because love isn't a feeling or an emotion, it's a decision you make every day of your life!  I wake up every morning and decided to love Ben.  Now that doesn't mean that we have the perfect marriage, and we have some BAD days.  We've had weeks go by that we just couldn't seem to quit fighting!  We'd get over one argument and  work it out and an hour later we'd be disagreeing about something else!  It's emotionally taxing sometimes, but I'm glad that I know Ben is as dedicated to making our marriage work as I am.  You're marriage doesn't just have to work, it can become an amazing journey!  

So, as of today... I LOVE MY MARRIAGE!!! It's the best decision I've ever made, and that guy I married?  Yeah, he's turned into one amazing man.  He's been a wonderful friend, companion and lover!  Hopefully we have a lot of "good" days left!

You’ve Lost Your Mystery, Now What? Part II

In my last post we talked about being positive and looking at life with “the glass is half full” mindset.  Believe me this will go a long way in regaining your guys attention.  Not that you ever lost his attraction, maybe he’s just been looking for that sweet girl he married! 

Let’s be honest ladies.  None of us are that carefree girl we were when we snagged our handsome man and that’s natural and healthy.  The healthy part being, that we’ve matured (hopefully), but becoming uptight and just plain ol’ no fun however is not healthy for our marriage.  This leads me to my next point.

BE SPONTANIOUS!!!  Whether it’s in the bedroom or maybe it’s just dropping your mop and forgetting the house is a mess and running to Mc Donald’s for Hot Fudge Sundays with the family! This is the thing I struggle with the most. 

Since my husband is a psychology teacher he has little personality tests lying around.  While flying to California last week for a wedding, he pulled one out and asked me some questions.  Come to find out I have all but one of the traits for the personality disorder Obsessive Compulsive (OCD).  So as you can imagine, it’s really hard for me to just drop things and run.  Especially when it comes to my house!  I can’t handle a mess, and getting used to living with four very messy daughters has been quite a challenge for me.  I don’t always handle things the way I should  and that has caused some strife in our marriage.  My husband is not a messy, and leads more towards the OCD but he’s also laid back and is VERY good at just leaving it all and coming back to start again refreshed.  He’s been good for me!  I am a work in progress!

Being spontaneous in the bedroom is a little harder for me as it is for a lot of women.  When I have a million things on my mind, it’s hard to think sexy thoughts!  I used to get aggravated at Ben when he’d get in a bad mood when he hadn’t “gotten any” lately, it was a mystery to my why on earth he reacted that way.  To my shock and surprise in the past year or so I’ve found that Ben isn’t the only one who gets grouchy when they aren’t “getting any”!  I’ve paid attention and have learned that we are more likely to pick fights and get grouchy with each other when we aren’t having sex regularly. Go figure!!!   I’ve found that sex is vitally important to our marriage, so I’ve adjusted the way I think about it.  I make it a habit to put on sexy underwear, and about every two or three months I go online and buy myself a sexy nighty.  Sometimes I buy things that I like and sometimes it’s something Ben will like.  It’s amazing how spontaneous you can feel when you’re feeling sexy!