In view of recent posts, I just want to make a few things clear. Marriage issues are never just one person's fault. There are two sides to every story and neither husband or wife are perfect individuals so both are capable of causing equal conflict in the relationship. That's one thing that is shared 50/50 in a relationship, our equal knack for causing problems!
Another issue that I need to clear up... Our needs as women are just as important as our husbands needs, and I am not trying to insinuate that the marriage issues are of the womans making and that she is solely responsible for correcting the mistakes in the marriage. We women need to feel needed and loved by our husbands. We have to feel that the love and respect are mutual. The point I am trying to make is that someone has to start the healing process in the relationship and a lot of times men don't even realize that there is a problem until we bring it up. A lot of times the only expectation that a man goes into marriage with is sex! We women go into marriage with a whole library fool of romance novels stuck in our brain that we expect our relationship to be like and what our men should measure up to. We've got to get the romance novel relationship out of our heads and start facing reality. I even took a break from romance novels for a while to "get the IV out of my vein" so to speak. Even Christian novels can lead you to believe in false expectations for your marriage so we must be on guard and not fill our head and hearts with all that "romantical mush"!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Being the Right Person
My husband often says, "It's not about meeting the right person, it's about being the right person." Great advice for any relationship, but exceptional advice for the marriage relationship!
We often think about what our needs are in our relationship, but how often do we put our needs aside and focus on what our spouse needs? That has been one of the most challenging things for me to learn during our 10 years of marriage! I spent the first 5-6 years of our marriage trying to mold my husband into the man I thought he needed to be so that he could meet my needs, I wish I knew then what I've learned in the past 5 years! When I finally quit focusing on my needs and began focusing on what I could give to our relationship, my husband soon became the "man of my dreams". You see, that guy in the romance novels or the movies? He doesn't exist, but so many times we measure our husbands by that standard and then are sorely disappointed when the fail to measure up to those fantastical expectations.
When I say that Ben became the "man of my dreams" I don't mean that he suddenly became some romantic, sensitive man who knew my every need before I ever spoke it. But rather, my dreams changed or matured should I say? I started focusing on what his needs were and he responded by becoming more in tuned to me. Before you think it... no we are not the perfect couple and yes we do still have disagreements and issues that rise up and need resolved, but the difference is how we handle those issues. We've both tried to get in the habit of putting the other's needs first, we both (mostly me) still slip into our old ways sometimes but we've learned that we will never have the perfect marriage since there are no perfect people in this world! But we do have a pretty wonderful marriage, and ladies... in my opinion... he's pretty close to perfect!
That brings me to phase 4 of our TLC game.
It's all about him!
Blog Post:
Phase 3 TLC Game
"This week we will working on "information gathering". Do your homework. Find out what your man likes to do! Regardless of what you might believe about the "male species" sex isn't the only thing they're interested in! (thought that is vitally important to every marriage!) Find where his favorite place to eat is if you don't already know. What's his favorite dessert? What's his favorite past time? Gather as much information about your man as possible this week."
The final phase to the game is going to be the best! Now that you've began retraining your brain to think positively about your man and gathered your information to try to get to know him better it's time to put all of that to good use. So this week pick a few of his favorites and do something special for him every day starting Monday through Saturday. Whether it's his favorite meal or dessert. Once I took Ben on a date! I drove and everything! I took him to one of his favorite burger places and let him choose what activity we did on our date. It was fun and it was definitely a surprise to him. Get creative ladies! Throw that man of yours for a loop!
We often think about what our needs are in our relationship, but how often do we put our needs aside and focus on what our spouse needs? That has been one of the most challenging things for me to learn during our 10 years of marriage! I spent the first 5-6 years of our marriage trying to mold my husband into the man I thought he needed to be so that he could meet my needs, I wish I knew then what I've learned in the past 5 years! When I finally quit focusing on my needs and began focusing on what I could give to our relationship, my husband soon became the "man of my dreams". You see, that guy in the romance novels or the movies? He doesn't exist, but so many times we measure our husbands by that standard and then are sorely disappointed when the fail to measure up to those fantastical expectations.
When I say that Ben became the "man of my dreams" I don't mean that he suddenly became some romantic, sensitive man who knew my every need before I ever spoke it. But rather, my dreams changed or matured should I say? I started focusing on what his needs were and he responded by becoming more in tuned to me. Before you think it... no we are not the perfect couple and yes we do still have disagreements and issues that rise up and need resolved, but the difference is how we handle those issues. We've both tried to get in the habit of putting the other's needs first, we both (mostly me) still slip into our old ways sometimes but we've learned that we will never have the perfect marriage since there are no perfect people in this world! But we do have a pretty wonderful marriage, and ladies... in my opinion... he's pretty close to perfect!
That brings me to phase 4 of our TLC game.
It's all about him!
Blog Post:
Phase 3 TLC Game
"This week we will working on "information gathering". Do your homework. Find out what your man likes to do! Regardless of what you might believe about the "male species" sex isn't the only thing they're interested in! (thought that is vitally important to every marriage!) Find where his favorite place to eat is if you don't already know. What's his favorite dessert? What's his favorite past time? Gather as much information about your man as possible this week."
The final phase to the game is going to be the best! Now that you've began retraining your brain to think positively about your man and gathered your information to try to get to know him better it's time to put all of that to good use. So this week pick a few of his favorites and do something special for him every day starting Monday through Saturday. Whether it's his favorite meal or dessert. Once I took Ben on a date! I drove and everything! I took him to one of his favorite burger places and let him choose what activity we did on our date. It was fun and it was definitely a surprise to him. Get creative ladies! Throw that man of yours for a loop!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
A Marriage Requirement
The other day as I sat reminiscing back to the early days of our marriage, a thought struck me. It's a very elementary concept and I cannot believe that we were into our sixth year of marriage before I learned and embraced it.
Here it is... F- O- R- G- I- V- I- N- E- S- S. I believe this should be the cornerstone of every marriage. We've been married going on 11 years now and I am still perfecting the skill! In our earlier years when Ben would do something to "hurt my feelings" I would of course do the usual "female pout" so that he knew I was really hurt. He then would drag out of me what he had done, which was usually nothing quite as awful as I was letting on! And could usually be chalked up to "hormonal" issues. One instance I remember my husband apologizing to me for what he'd done (I have no recollection of what his offense was), but instead of saying yes I forgive you and forgetting about it. I'm ashamed to say I didn't speak to him again for probably another full day! That was beyond just childish behavior, in fact a child would have offered forgiveness! I wanted him to suffer though. Can you believe that? I love my husband dearly and yet I withheld my forgiveness from because I wanted to hurt him.
One of the sections in Debi Pearl's book "Created to Be His Help Meet" talks about not forgiving our man immediately and how childish that sort of behavior is. Now can you see how this book made a difference in me? I was quite spoiled acting back then! After I read several sections of the book I went to my husband and apologized for how I had been treating him and told him that I would do better. I like to think that I have, although I am very much human and as imperfect as they come.
The attitude I had been having was one of "vengeance" and it is clearly spoken of in Rom 12:19 "...Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." Christ commands us to forgive and let Him take care of the person whom you feel offended you. If we bottle up vengeance in our hearts or our marriage we will destroy ourselves and our marriage. No one wants to be married to an individual who holds a grudge and brings up past mistakes every time their feelings are hurt! Not only is it exhausting to hold on to bitterness, it's unhealthy! Did you know that the Mayo Clinic did a study on this very subject? Here's part of an article I read on their web sight.
Here it is... F- O- R- G- I- V- I- N- E- S- S. I believe this should be the cornerstone of every marriage. We've been married going on 11 years now and I am still perfecting the skill! In our earlier years when Ben would do something to "hurt my feelings" I would of course do the usual "female pout" so that he knew I was really hurt. He then would drag out of me what he had done, which was usually nothing quite as awful as I was letting on! And could usually be chalked up to "hormonal" issues. One instance I remember my husband apologizing to me for what he'd done (I have no recollection of what his offense was), but instead of saying yes I forgive you and forgetting about it. I'm ashamed to say I didn't speak to him again for probably another full day! That was beyond just childish behavior, in fact a child would have offered forgiveness! I wanted him to suffer though. Can you believe that? I love my husband dearly and yet I withheld my forgiveness from because I wanted to hurt him.
One of the sections in Debi Pearl's book "Created to Be His Help Meet" talks about not forgiving our man immediately and how childish that sort of behavior is. Now can you see how this book made a difference in me? I was quite spoiled acting back then! After I read several sections of the book I went to my husband and apologized for how I had been treating him and told him that I would do better. I like to think that I have, although I am very much human and as imperfect as they come.
The attitude I had been having was one of "vengeance" and it is clearly spoken of in Rom 12:19 "...Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." Christ commands us to forgive and let Him take care of the person whom you feel offended you. If we bottle up vengeance in our hearts or our marriage we will destroy ourselves and our marriage. No one wants to be married to an individual who holds a grudge and brings up past mistakes every time their feelings are hurt! Not only is it exhausting to hold on to bitterness, it's unhealthy! Did you know that the Mayo Clinic did a study on this very subject? Here's part of an article I read on their web sight.
What is forgiveness?
Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.
What are the benefits of forgiving someone?
Letting go of grudges and bitterness makes way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:
- Healthier relationships
- Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
- Less stress and hostility
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain
- Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse
To read the entire article click on this link
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
I am so glad that Jesus didn't forgive me the way I used to forgive! When I ask Jesus' forgiveness, I can rest assured that my wrong will never be brought back up again! Now I try to think about that each time I'm wronged by anyone not just my husband, and I feel I my hurt feelings are justified. How would Jesus forgive? Jesus would forgive immediately and He would forgive completely! A lot of times in our relationships we will say the words "I forgive you" with our mouths, but our hearts are filled with bitterness. This is not forgiveness at all!
Has your husband or close friend wronged you? Yes, your feelings maybe justified, but how about letting it go? Depending on how long you've been holding on it may be a little harder to do, but believe me. Learning to forgive completely has truly saved our marriage. It's hard to forgive when you've truly been done wrong, that's why He said "... vengeance is mine "I" will repay." We don't have to worry about it! Let go of the bitterness and let God take care of the rest, you will never be sorry you did!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Phase 3: TLC Game
A recap on our TLC Game:
Blog Post "Convenient"
1) For one week every time you think of one negative thought about your husband for any reason you must erase it with 3 positive. At the end of the week sit down and write a list of all the positive things about your man. Don't rush through it! If you have to take all day do it, ponder it and each time you think of another wonderful or maybe just good thing about him write it down.
Blog Post "Turn Off the TV"
2) No tv or movies for a solid week not even so much as a Star or Us magazine. Put it all away and focus on your marriage!
Now for the next rule:
This week we will working on "information gathering". Do your homework. Find out what your man likes to do! Regardless of what you might believe about the "male species" sex isn't the only thing they're interested in! (thought that is vitally important to every marriage!) Find where his favorite place to eat is if you don't already know. What's his favorite dessert? What's his favorite past time? Gather as much information about your man as possible this week.
Don't forget! You are still practicing rules one and two along with this weeks phase.
Blog Post "Convenient"
1) For one week every time you think of one negative thought about your husband for any reason you must erase it with 3 positive. At the end of the week sit down and write a list of all the positive things about your man. Don't rush through it! If you have to take all day do it, ponder it and each time you think of another wonderful or maybe just good thing about him write it down.
Blog Post "Turn Off the TV"
2) No tv or movies for a solid week not even so much as a Star or Us magazine. Put it all away and focus on your marriage!
Now for the next rule:
This week we will working on "information gathering". Do your homework. Find out what your man likes to do! Regardless of what you might believe about the "male species" sex isn't the only thing they're interested in! (thought that is vitally important to every marriage!) Find where his favorite place to eat is if you don't already know. What's his favorite dessert? What's his favorite past time? Gather as much information about your man as possible this week.
Don't forget! You are still practicing rules one and two along with this weeks phase.
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