Marriage and Hard Labor

Over the past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of studying on childbirth and labor in order to receive my certification as a Birth Doula.  As I was reading my text books something struck me.  Pregnancy and childbirth are a lot like a marriage!  Stop laughing and hear me out!  I promise it’ll make sense when you read the rest of this post!  Ok maybe not but you can read it anyway and check the little box that says funny on the end of the post. Lol

The first observation I made:  On the wedding day I woke early and couldn’t go back to sleep because I was too excited to do so!  Since our wedding wasn’t until 5 o’clock that evening I had a long time to wait.  My feelings ranged from excitement, kind of a sick feeling and couldn’t eat much, then, I got super nervous and had to have someone pick me up some Cheddar Bites from Sonic because all of the sudden I was starving!   Then I had that moment of sheer panic, the last thing I had to do was kiss my new husband in front of 200 guests!  Being the shy type this terrified me.   

The ceremony was soon over along with the honeymoon and then “real life” began.  For about six months we did wonderful, all was well in paradise and then BANG, out of nowhere we were fighting and I had those crazy thoughts every new bride gets “I think I made the biggest mistake of my life!  I married the wrong man!”  Since we don’t believe in divorce, I was now stuck in a “loveless marriage”… then guess what?  As quickly as the fights had begun the abated and all was well again.  We worked through our issues and moved on with life and were happily married again. 

All in all we’ve had ten and a half beautiful years together, and I couldn’t have asked for a better husband to love.  Ben has been my strong rock when I wasn’t strong enough to care for myself physically there’s only been a few of those times that I needed his help physically.  But the many times I’ve needed his help emotionally and spiritually, he’s been there strong and steady.  His has truly been a labor of love that I don’t feel worthy of but thankfully God saw fit to put this amazing man in my life.

Now, in comparison:  In the beginning when you first take that at home pregnancy test, or maybe you took three… anyway when you see the two lines which mean you’re pregnant (now I think it’s a + sign)  at that moment we’re excited beyond words, so much so that we pick up the phone and tell your husband or best bud, now days everyone posts  everything on facebook and soon our whole circle of friends and beyond know the wonderful news. 

The first few months are a trying time.  There are many times when you run to the bathroom to get rid of whatever you just ate that did not agree with your stomach.  Then there are the smells!  My house stunk for 3 or 4 months straight, the crazy thing was I’d ask Ben “what is that smell?!”  He’d sniff the air and say “I don’t smell anything…”  I’d light a candle (a Mia Bella of course ;-)), and continue bleaching the sink.  I had a very clean house while I was pregnant.  If I didn’t I’d have to spend the first few months in the bathroom!

Then, as the first fight in our marriage… the tormenting thoughts came.  “Oh no!  What have we done?  We can’t have a baby!  I don’t even know how to be a mother… what if I get it wrong?”  Then the more terrifying thoughts  “I have to have this baby!  I’ve heard it’s a lot of pain!  How will I know when to go to the hospital…?”

Finally the night arrived!  I woke with steady pains that I thought I would just work through on my own.  After about five minutes of that sort of thinking, I woke my groggy husband.  I laugh when I think of the look on Ben’s face as he nearly fell out of the bed!  It was adorable.  He scrambled for his jeans and t-shirt and we were off to have our first daughter.  Such excitement!  Gone were the thoughts of “will I be able to be a mom?”  We had but one focus, and that was getting this baby here safe and sound.  I labored without pain medication for about five hours and then accepted the temptation of an epidural which stopped my labor!   But all’s well that ends well right?    Eleven hours after we arrived at the hospital our beautiful Natalie was born.   Then of course after her three more gorgeous daughters followed!

The thing about birth and pregnancy is, that season in your life will come to an end and slowly the memories of those exciting births will fade.  Oh, you’ll never forget the excitement of the births, but some of the detail will fade.

Marriages however, well, we have to keep working on those.  If ever we think the labor is over and we’ve no need to work through the pains, then we will lose a very precious thing.  Our marriages will go through cycles.  There will be times when we think we’ve got our spouse figured out and we know how to meet their needs, and then something unexpected comes.  Maybe an illness or a job loss or the death of a beloved parent, maybe you just don’t see eye to eye on an “important” issue.  Whatever the “contraction” may be, it must be worked through or all is lost!  You’ll never see the sweet joy that comes after the hard labor.  You see, labor in a marriage never really comes to an end.  The labor isn’t always painful and there are many many times of joy that make working it out so worth the time we spent.

If you want a beautiful marriage you have to be completely committed to this beautiful labor of love.   I forget where I heard this, “great marriages don’t just happen.”  So true, if you think you’re going to have “the perfect marriage” then think again.  There are no perfect marriages, because there are no perfect people.  But it is not a hopeless case if you’re willing to work at it.  If you are the lazy sort and are opposed to hard work, then marriage isn’t  for you for it is not a project for cowards. 

Can Peace, Love and Gladness Come After Promiscuity?

"To hope for peace and love and gladness out of promiscuity is to hope for that which will never come."  Gordon B. Hinckley  

I read this quote the other day  and I must say I disagree with it completely.  Not because I have experienced it in my own life, but because I have saw it in my own family.  I've saw a marriage ripped to shreds over promiscuity on both sides and then something miraculous happened!   After years of bitterness and heart break, and "I'm going to hurt you because you hurt me."  They put an end to the "crazy cycle"!  Why? You may ask.  For the kids! They saw the damage it was having on their children and decided to end the war.  Now when I see them instead of the distance and tolerance I see love again!   I'm sure it wasn't easy, but who said forgiveness was supposed to be an easy thing.  It's a decision that must be made often, and in their situation I'm sure it's made every day!   


When I first read this quote, my mind went to the story in the Old Testament of  Hosea the prophet and Gomer the prostitute.  The idea of a a prophet and prostitute is quite absurd, but Hosea was told by God to "... Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms..." Hosea 1:2  God's reasoning?  He wanted Hosea to see how He felt when Israel turned to other gods over and over again.  Time and again the Israelites turned to other gods and then after great sorrow and persecution they turned back to the One True God, and He accepted them back with open arms!  Now I'm not suggesting that a man should go and marry a prostitute so that he can test his power of forgiveness over and over or that a woman should marry a "womanizer" so that she'll become stronger at keeping her emotions from causing further conflict in her marriage.  


I believe that  in marriages sometimes we are to quick to say "they cheated!" and write that person off forever.  Not so much out bitterness but out of fear of being hurt again.  How heartbroken Hosea must have been when he had bought Gomer off the auction block after she'd been "used" by other men, only to see her leave and go back to her many lovers after a while!   But each time she went back he'd go after her and bring her home and nurse her back to health, just as God did with the Israelites.  Can you imagine having children with such a person?  Hosea did!  What an example he must have set for their children!  Talk about unconditional love!


I don't believe Hosea could have kept taking Gomer back had he not had complete and total faith in God.   Hosea realized that if God could keep forgiving Israel for their "whoredoms" then it was God's will for him to keep forgiving his wife.   After all in the New Testament we are told to forgive "seventy times seven..."


I am not advocating for staying married to an individual who has sex for a living.  Because of all the STD's out there that's dangerous for ones health and can also affect the children from birth and not if not at birth it will eventually affect them physically just being around the infected parent.  In order for a heart to heal after a betrayal on this level it is important to forgive so as not to allow bitterness to ruin your life or your children's.  Even if you cannot save the marriage you can keep from letting it wreck your life.  Every been around someone who's let bitterness take root?  It affects they way the act speak and make decisions.  It's not a pretty thing!


I've saw a wife forgive her husbands porn habit over and over again.  Each time she discovered he was cheating again, her heart was broken all over again and each time she had to decided to forgive and trust again.  Would you believe me if I said that something beautiful became of their marriage?  Not only has their marriage survived the infidelity, it has blossomed!  When I see them I am amazed at the love I see there instead of the bitterness that is so often the result of such a betrayal.  It's amazing what the power of forgiveness can do in a marriage!


I said all of that to say this... "Yes, you can have peace and love and gladness after promiscuity!"  Will there still be scares?  Most definitely.  Will it be a short journey?  Definitely not.  Will it be hard?  Most assuredly!  Will it be worth it?  As a bystander looking in on two different situations... it was worth it to the people who I know of who went through it and lived to tell the tale! 


In order to begin again the offended person has to put aside their insecurities of being burned again, and apply the power of forgiveness.  Even if at first you don't feel that you can truly forgive, making the decision over and over will finally become easier and easier until you can feel the forgiveness.  It is also imperative to have a relationship with Jesus Christ, otherwise you are depending solely on your own strength and we all know that at times human strength fails, but the strength of our Heavenly Father endures forever!


I know it's easy for me to write on a subject that I have never dealt with in my own marriage, but if I ever have to cross that bridge I pray that I'll be able to take my own advice.  


As always, feel free to comment.  I like to hear feedback, love hearing what others have to say!

Storms

I've not had much time to think about my blog since May 22, 2011.  Unless you live under a rock I'm sure you know that I'm referring to the EF5 tornado that hit Joplin Missouri on a Sunday evening, as a lot of church goers where getting ready to or already in church.

Since then I've been volunteering in any way I can think of.  There's so much pain and so much loss.  Some will recover fully, some will not.  Those who lost loved ones will never be able to replace what they've lost, with the Lord's help they can move on but they will never forget their loss.

Lives can be rebuilt, homes can be restored and business will recover, but the loss of a loved one is a scar that will remain in our lives.  Most of us know what it means to lose a loved one, but few of us will ever know the horror of losing a loved one in this tragic way.  My heart and prayers go our neighbors in Joplin, God bless you all, and my He grant you the peace to go on.

Our Needs Are Important

In view of recent posts, I just want to make a few things clear.  Marriage issues are never just one person's fault.  There are two sides to every story and neither husband or wife are perfect individuals so both are capable of causing equal conflict in the relationship.  That's one thing that is shared 50/50 in a relationship, our equal knack for causing problems!

Another issue that I need to clear up... Our needs as women are just as important as our husbands needs, and I am not trying to insinuate that the marriage issues are of the womans making and that she is solely responsible for correcting the mistakes in the marriage.  We women need to feel needed and loved by our husbands.  We have to feel that the love and respect are mutual.  The point I am trying to make is that someone has to start the healing process in the relationship and a lot of times men don't even realize that there is a problem until we bring it up.  A lot of times the only expectation that a man goes into marriage with is sex!  We women go into marriage with a whole library fool of romance novels stuck in our brain that we expect our relationship to be like and what our men should measure up to.  We've got to get the romance novel relationship out of our heads and start facing reality.  I even took a break from romance novels for a while to "get the IV out of my vein" so to speak.  Even Christian novels can lead you to believe in false expectations for your marriage so we must be on guard and not fill our head and hearts with all that "romantical mush"!

Being the Right Person

My husband often says, "It's not about meeting the right person, it's about being the right person." Great advice for any relationship, but exceptional advice for the marriage relationship!

We often think about what our needs are in our relationship, but how often do we put our needs aside and focus on what our spouse needs?  That has been one of the most challenging things for me to learn during our 10 years of marriage!  I spent the first 5-6 years of our marriage trying to mold my husband into the man I thought he needed to be so that he could meet my needs, I wish I knew then what I've learned in the past 5 years!  When I finally quit focusing on my needs and began focusing on what I could give to our relationship, my husband soon became the "man of my dreams".  You see, that guy in the romance novels or the movies?  He doesn't exist, but so many times we measure our husbands by that standard and then are sorely disappointed when the fail to measure up to those fantastical expectations.

When I say that Ben became the "man of my dreams" I don't mean that he suddenly became some romantic, sensitive man who knew my every need before I ever spoke it.  But rather, my dreams changed or matured should I say?  I started focusing on what his needs were and he responded by becoming more in tuned to me.  Before you think it... no we are not the perfect couple and yes we do still have disagreements and issues that rise up and need resolved, but the difference is how we handle those issues.  We've both tried to get in the habit of putting the other's needs first, we both (mostly me) still slip into our old ways sometimes but we've learned that we will never have the perfect marriage since there are no perfect people in this world!  But we do have a pretty wonderful marriage, and ladies... in my opinion... he's pretty close to perfect!

That brings me to phase 4 of our TLC game.

It's all about him!


Blog Post:


Phase 3 TLC Game


"This week we will working on "information gathering".  Do your homework.  Find out what your man likes to do!  Regardless of what you might believe about the "male species" sex isn't the only thing they're interested in!  (thought that is vitally important to every marriage!)  Find where his favorite place to eat is if you don't already know.  What's his favorite dessert?    What's his favorite past time?  Gather as much information about your man as possible this week."  


The final phase to the game is going to be the best!  Now that you've began retraining your brain to think positively about your man and gathered your information to try to get to know him better it's time to put all of that to good use. So this week pick a few of his favorites and do something special for him every day starting Monday through Saturday.  Whether it's his favorite meal or dessert.  Once I took Ben on a date!  I drove and everything!  I took him to one of his favorite burger places and let him choose what activity we did on our date.  It was fun and it was definitely a surprise to him.  Get creative ladies!  Throw that man of yours for a loop!

A Marriage Requirement

The other day as  I sat reminiscing back to the early days of our marriage, a thought struck me.  It's a very elementary concept and I cannot believe that we were into our sixth year of marriage before I learned and embraced it.

Here it is... F- O- R- G- I- V- I- N- E- S- S.  I believe this should be the cornerstone of every marriage.  We've been married going on 11 years now and I am still perfecting the skill!  In our earlier years when Ben would do something to "hurt my feelings" I would of course do the usual "female pout" so that he knew I was really hurt.  He then would drag out of me what he had done, which was usually nothing quite as awful as I was letting on!  And could usually be chalked up to "hormonal" issues. One instance I remember my husband apologizing to me for what he'd done (I have no recollection of what his offense was), but instead of saying yes I forgive you and forgetting about it. I'm ashamed to say I didn't speak to him again for probably another full day!  That was beyond just childish behavior, in fact a child would have offered forgiveness!  I wanted him to suffer though.  Can you believe that?  I love my husband dearly and yet I withheld my forgiveness from because I wanted to hurt him.

One of the sections in Debi Pearl's book "Created to Be His Help Meet" talks about not forgiving our man immediately and how childish that sort of behavior is.  Now can you see how this book made a difference in me?  I was quite spoiled acting back then!  After I read several sections of the book I went to my husband and apologized for how I had been treating him and told him that I would do better. I like to think that I have, although I am very much human and as imperfect as they come. 


The attitude I had been having was one of "vengeance" and it is clearly spoken of in Rom 12:19  "...Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."  Christ commands us to forgive and let Him take care of the person whom you feel offended you.  If we bottle up vengeance in our hearts or our marriage we will destroy ourselves and our marriage.  No one wants to be married to an individual who holds a grudge and brings up past mistakes every time their feelings are hurt!  Not only is it exhausting to hold on to bitterness, it's unhealthy!  Did you know that the Mayo Clinic did a study on this very subject?  Here's part of an article I read on their web sight.

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness makes way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain
• Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

To read the entire article click on this link

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131

I am so glad that Jesus didn't forgive me the way I used to forgive!  When I ask Jesus' forgiveness, I can rest assured that my wrong will never be brought back up again!  Now I try to think about that each time I'm wronged by anyone not just my husband, and I feel I my hurt feelings are justified.  How would Jesus forgive?  Jesus would forgive immediately and He would forgive completely!  A lot of times in our relationships we will say the words "I forgive you" with our mouths, but our hearts are filled with bitterness. This is not forgiveness at all!  

Has your husband or close friend wronged you?  Yes, your feelings maybe justified, but how about letting it go?  Depending on how long you've been holding on it may be a little harder to do, but believe me. Learning to forgive completely has truly saved our marriage.  It's hard to forgive when you've truly been done wrong, that's why He said "... vengeance is mine "I" will repay."  We don't have to worry about it!  Let go of the bitterness and let God take care of the rest, you will never be sorry you did!

Phase 3: TLC Game

A recap on our TLC Game:

Blog Post "Convenient"
1)  For one week every time you think of one negative thought about your husband for any reason you must erase it with 3 positive.  At the end of the week sit down and write a list of all the positive things about your man.  Don't rush through it!  If you have to take all day do it, ponder it and each time you think of another wonderful or maybe just good thing about him write it down. 


Blog Post "Turn Off the TV"
2) No tv or movies for a solid week not even so much as a Star or Us magazine. Put it all away and focus on your marriage! 


Now for the next rule:


This week we will working on "information gathering".  Do your homework.  Find out what your man likes to do!  Regardless of what you might believe about the "male species" sex isn't the only thing they're interested in!  (thought that is vitally important to every marriage!)  Find where his favorite place to eat is if you don't already know.  What's his favorite dessert?    What's his favorite past time?  Gather as much information about your man as possible this week.  


Don't forget!  You are still practicing rules one and two along with this weeks phase.